Yesterday, I went to see my pain doctor. I was still really embarrassed because he had said I was combative during the procedure. I remember since the last time I wrote about this that there were actually two times that I was actually considered combative. During the rape when I actually tried to beat the guy into leaving me alone. And the time in the hospital when I stole my shoelaces because I thought I should be able to wear them and they thought I was going to hang myself with them. I fought and fought these huge men until they called in more huge men and carried me into a room where they gave me a shot and put restraints on me. I am thinking that it is the second one that got me the most. I mean yeah, it was a fight or flight situation. I fear for my life so I was going to fight as hard as I could. But the restraints and the drugs remind me a whole lot of being in the "safety room". So I apologized for that and he said it was not a problem. He said it was more like I wanted to be helpful and tell them where my pain was. But the fact remains that they had to start over because I touched the sterile field. He said it was no big deal, they just scrubbed again and put out new drapes, but at that point they need to strap me down. I really don't remember this.He asked if he could look at the site because I said it had been bleeding. And I had  fever. He said it was infected and I could have gone to the hospital. I think it is smelly now. It is all my husband's fault because he said it was nothing. Now I am on Keflex.  He wants to do an MRI of my back. I have a great fear if the MRI machine. To me it feels like a tomb that I am never coming out of. I can stand going in. I had one in January on my foot which they swore to me I would be ok because my whole body would not be going in just my calf. By the time they were done, I was running to the bathroom to be sick.I kept telling him that MRI and I don't get along but he insisted that fear is only in my head. That I am making myself so upset. I had two strokes and they seemed to be doing MRIs several times a day. The first one after I woke up I couldn't get in.  The had to put me to sleep. I had felt dead for three days, now they want to put me in a tomb.So he is arguing, how bout this, how bout that, then he says how about drugs. I still said no. And he said hear me out. I'll give you valium take before the test and you won't care. Please just try it and if you can't take it, we'll scrap it. SO I have an appointment for next Tuesday. My husband has to drive me home because I can't take that drug and then drive. I hope it works. Then one a few days to discuss it.Geez, my pain is bad today. Hadn't really felt less hopeful in a while.I also have that dreadful annual gyn exam on Monday. Just when you think there is not one more place he could not lay a hand on me, he does. At least he understands my fears and concerns and is usually kind. But the whole thing is intrusive. I have often said it is like another rape. I hate it. Usually I get to see my counselor first and she helps me remember how normal it is and that I like my doctor.And to top it all off with a cherry, my cat is very sick. She won't leave the bed. She has not had anything to eat or drink it days. She looks like a bag of bones and when you touch her she screams. The vet just called and said it was time to put her to sleep. I called my husband and he couldn't show a bit of emotion about this. It was the same way yesterday when I called him yesterday about the MRI. He yelled at me saying Tues, and Thurs are bad. Those are the only days I have anything. Sorry, it is hard to remember a schedule that changes ever four months. And how you come home so early all th other days inffering that you have a light day on those days. He never comes early! EVER! How and I supposed to know anything? I just feel really crappy today. Like really. I don't think I can do all these things at once. Help I feel depressed, I feel like sleeping, I feel like cutting. I can't tell you what I will do, because I just don't know. Maybe eat a piece of chocolate take a pain pill and take a nap.