I don't know why doctor appointments make me so nervous. Is it because so many of them have gone so bad? Is it because I know some one is going to touch me and I don't want to be touched? Is it just the pain in general?

I don't know, but I am seeing my gyn who was treating me in the hospital for the month of April. The man that brought in every doctor he could think of to make me feel better. This is the doctor who makes me feel DUMPED! I am not sure what I want to say, to do. I feel like I want to accuse him of leaving me just as everyone in my life does, but the logical half of me knows he was just doing it because he wants to help me. He is a kind and gentle man. He has done everything for me that I have asked and more. I can't take my frustrations out on him. I just don't want to lose him. I know he was some one that when I was having a problem would make themselves completely available to me even if it was his day off. Who wants to lose that? It just seemed so easy for him to hand me off to some one else and some one I did not even know yet. I hope he did.

And that leads me to the pain manager. Have I mentioned before the trouble I have had with pain doctors? They have called me a liar, faker and a drug seeker who is depressed because she was raped. Makes it sound like the worst moment of my life is an inconvenience like breaking a nail. And I just developed a distaste for them. Whenever my gyn would mention seeing a new one, I would scoff at him and say no. But he had me trapped in that hospital.

So, Friday I saw this guy and it was nothing at all like I expected. He was so respectful of me. He came into the office with plans for me, not sometimes we do this for people. It was like he had actually sat down and thought about ME and what I needed. I was impressed. He didn't touch me, didn't ask me to lie on that table and feel defenseless. And he actually spent time with me and talked with me. I like that in a doctor.

I told him that I had been skeptical because of all that has happened with other pain managers, but that I was really appreciative for the way he treated me. He asked what happened with the other docs and I told him. He said he can see in my eyes that I am not lying, I am in pain. I am not a faker or a drug seeker because he feels I am working too hard with other aspects and not just asking for the drugs. He said I see a psychiatrist and a therapist and that shows him I am willing to work. He says I talk about other ideas and not just ask for the Vicoden. He says with regards to the rape, it does make pain worse and they don't know why. He'll work with it.

I asked him during the exam if my gyn had told him anything about me, like that I was raped and that he should be sensitive with me. He said he said some stuff, but he preferred to talk to the nurses who were treating me everyday. He felt they got a crash course on me and would know something. They all told him I was the best patient, but that I was a little sensitive. I remember he kept his distance from me at the bedside. I mean he talked to me and was close enough for privacy, but he wasn't on top of me like some of the doctors.

I had one question for him because now it had become my greatest fear. What do I do when I have an emergency. Before I always called my gyn. Because it is a gyn related problem. And he was always there for me. In the past I had to start calling the pain guy and they always told me to call back in the morning and then they would say, we can see you in two weeks. It was never helpful. He said to call him, even if it is after hours or on the weekend. He said the service would help me and if I ask specifically for him, they will get him unless he is out of the state or on vacation. He does a lot of lecturing. I felt so relieved. Let us hope that all continues going well, because I will leave again if it becomes uncomfortable.

Now, sleep. My psychiatrist changed my meds last week. She upped my Lamictal to 50mgs and had me change my Klonopin from twice a day PRN to just twice a day. I have really felt better. And I have slept. It is feeling really easy to fall asleep. A little difficult to wake up, but I think that will subside. It almost feel weird.

So physically, I feel a lot better, but it is prom season and thus begins my true mental health hell. This will last until it ends. It is always different. Sometime a month. Sometimes until fall. Sometimes it doesn't go away. Being raped after my junior prom has really stuck with me and I can't shake it. All the magazines and seeing girls dressed up outside, seeing it on tv. It all drives me crazy. These are my nightmares. It feels like it should have gone away by now, but there it is, even when a doctor touches me, it can be too much. I have been in therapy for years and I feel no closer to resolving it.

And never mind the childhood abuse. We haven't even touched that. Or the abusive stalker boyfriend. There are just too many things. Too many. Sometimes it makes me feel like a child who wants to hide under the bed or in the closet. I did that when I was a child. Actually the best place was under the vanity in the upstairs bathroom. My mom is a little unstable and she would come after us with just about anything she could find in that house. Chairs and shoes were her favorite.

But that is another story. All these things make me feel like a completely fucked up person. Sometimes I think God said, "We shouldn't give that one a kid. She'll just fuck it up." And here I sit childless. Makes sense to me. Of course I was a nanny for years. And a damn good one. I was getting passed around the afluent community for a while. It was nice to be appreciated.

So, my hell is not too bad today.