Just another up all night at the Kristen Cafe. This is the third night. This is just pathetic. I called my psychiatrist today to see if this a manic episode and I should be worried or if there is something we can do. She increased some meds. STILL NOT SLEEPING.

I am also very anxious because tomorrow I meet with the pain manager who saw me in the hospital. I really do not have a good clear memory of him from the hospital. He saw me like three times. I remember he was very nice and had a good bedside manner, but really nothing else.

I am so afraid that he is going to say well that block we did should have worked and since it didn't you must be faking. And dump me leaving me with no one. I just could not handle that right now. How do you handle chronic pain like this with no one?

Although, to his credit. I called with a problem, I was having really bad back pain and he did try to help. They office called me three times to check on me. I guess that is something to keep in mind.

I have had problems with pain doctors before. I have seen every pain doc in the valley that accepts my insurance and have even traveled as far away as Hershey to see some one. That is about two hours. I have heard things like, you can't possibly be in that much pain, you're a liar, a faker, a drug seeker or my personal favorite, you're just depressed because you were raped. (let me just say that if you had chronic pain that was caused by the WORST moment in your life so every time you felt it that is what you thought of, you would be fucking depressed too. BIG DEAL.) And you may be saying, well don't tell them. It is always on the paperwork you fill out. And stupid me, I am honest thinking it will help them to know.

So I am really afraid of seeing this guy tomorrow. One more person leaving my life is just one too many. I just want it to work.

You know what I really want, I want some one to sprinkle magic fairy dust over me and make me whole. I want every tragic moment of my past to melt away. I want my pain to just disappear. I want to be happy and healthy. But there is no fairy dust and I am tired of fighting it.

From late night hell, all my best to everyone.