I am just not even going to pretend that I am going to sleep tonight. I am really getting tired of this. It has been two nights now that I have not been able to sleep because of pain and anxiety. I just got out of the hospital for crying out loud. I have not even been home a week. I can't sleep in my own bed? Maybe I did just like those cushy hospital beds.

And the thing is that now the doctor I was seeing hired a pain manager for me. I will be seeing him Friday. I met him in the hospital and he has already done a nerve block procedure on me that did not work, which makes me feel like I should get to fire him now. But the point was, I talked to him three times for a few minutes so I barely know him, I am in all this pain and I want help, but I don't feel comfortable asking him for it yet.

So I feel stuck like who do I call. Because my gyn was doing everything for my pain. Whenever I had a pain incident, I called him and we figured it out. He seemed so relieved to dump my onto this other doctor (and I know what your thinking, he just wants the best for me. He feels he is not helping so get some one who can blah blah blah) I FEEL DUMPED! And now I feel like I don't have some one to turn to.

It's just another day, but should I have to suffer a full day and night to go to this guys office to talk when I am in pain now. I don't mean to be selfish here, but I am in pain and it hurts.

I really just don't know what to do. I think I am going to call his office tomorrow and talk to him anyway.

So the whole time I was in the hospital which if you put it all together was the majority of April. Missed those showers, still I would rather have the flowers. I am allergic though.

While I was there they did another ultra sound which said I had another 3 cm cyst on my left ovary. Wasn't news to me. I swear I can feel it start. They pretty much drugged me the whole time with pain meds. Different doctors of different specialties came to see me, but no one really seemed to offer anything that made me think it would do anything.

Then the pain guy came in. I really don't remember the spiel or even consenting but they did some kind of nerve block in my spine. My husband so gracefully describes it as digging around in my spine and trying to find the nerve that is causing my pain and injecting it with stuff. They put you to sleep so even though I started feeling ashamed because you are basically naked except that hospital gown and they open that all up, it soon did not matter.

They thought they got it and anxious waited for me to wake up and tell them. And they're staring at me. I am like what. Did it work Did it work. And I look at them and said I need the dilauded now because my pelvic pain is bad but my lower back is numb. So what do I let them try again. How many times can you attack the spine? I don't know. I don't like the idea. I guess even though all I have written and as bad as it is I prefer to take the Vicoden everyday on my own and when I have an attack go to the ER for a shot or an admission for pain management. It may seem like this happens all the time, but it really doesn't. I am always in bad pain, but I do not always have attacks like these. I really don't know why I am.

I have just started thinking of asking my doctor if he would do a pain mapping surgery which means you are awake and they touch places and you say where it hurts. I am not sure I could take it though. I just had a colinoscopy on Tuesday and I woke up three times during it screaming for them to stop because they were killing me. They just gave me more drugs each time making it hard for me to wake up at all yesterday afternoon.

Oh, and to top this all of with a cherry, they had a psychologist come in to see me which really didn't bother me, I saw him last stay because I felt like no one was listening to me and kind of became my advocate. So it was nice to see him again, BUT he had me take a personality test because my doctor thought I was too depressed. First of all, have some fucking guts and say it to me or ask me about it. Don't sneak in some test like I am a child learning her addition tables. Fucking pissed me off. Then just think of the level of drugs I was on. They were giving me 2mg dilauded every 2-3 hours. That is a lot. I don't remember a quarter of what went on tv shows I watched when my husband was there nothing. They give me this test. So what does it say. That I am confused and I don't really understand what is going on right now. Well, I am glad some one could fucking see that. I feel like yelling at my doctor for putting me through that. I don't know if you ever have but they are wicked long and there like SATs. Now I had two traumatic experiences with these tests. I took my SATs a few days after my prom, when I was raped. At the seen of the rape, the high school and all I wanted to do was run screaming from this deafening silent place. Then when I was hospitalized a few days later (still 16) they did all this personality testing and it just got crazy for me.

SO the whole thing was just crazy bad. And all and all, we have found nothing new. I am still taking vicoden. Only change I am pretty sure the cyst popped and that is why that particular spot is not killing me, but my pain, still bad.

I hate to sound like a downer and my smiley face changed for maybe one day it is just that everything really sucks right now. I have started one of my little projects that I do for therapy. While I am doing it is very therapeutic and then I bring it with me and we go over it together. I take this really big piece of white paper and with different color markers I write parts of songs that mean something to me right now, this week. Then we talk about it. Always brings out something good and I don't try wasting time talking about the book I am reading.

Anyway, I hope your hell is not has bad as mine.