It is getting late and I am getting tired, but I am not sleepy and I feel ever so anxious. I am afraid. I am alone, no I mean really alone, unless you count my two cats. I don't think they count me.
I have to see my doctor tomorrow. The doctor that told me he was not checking me out on the hospital in the morning and then that night the nurse says see ya. I feel really angry about that, but I like this doctor. I don't know how this appointment is going to go, he'll say he doesn't know what to do, I'll cry I just don't even want to go through with it. I just want to say fuck it and not go. Stay here with my sheets over my head.
I don't want to lose him. I don't have anyone else. He is the only doctor that has figured out that I am not really there when they do the dreaded pelvic exam. He goes slow and gives me time to drift out of body and mind and up into the corner of the room like a mist. So he does not cause any more rape trauma. He might not be able to gage my pain as well, but at least I am not freaking out so much he can't do it. And he trusts me when I say I am in pain.
I guess I should just go to the appointment and suck it. Just grin and bear it. I am not good at that. I just don't want to have a cry fest. Maybe I should cut first and release some of this anxiety. Oh, yes, I think that sounds like a good idea.
Easy By FUEL
Yea, you don't hear the sounds I hear
Yea, you don't feel the fear you fear
The distance that is there
Well it's wearing pretty thin now
And breaking you down is going to be so easy
I have to see my doctor tomorrow. The doctor that told me he was not checking me out on the hospital in the morning and then that night the nurse says see ya. I feel really angry about that, but I like this doctor. I don't know how this appointment is going to go, he'll say he doesn't know what to do, I'll cry I just don't even want to go through with it. I just want to say fuck it and not go. Stay here with my sheets over my head.
I don't want to lose him. I don't have anyone else. He is the only doctor that has figured out that I am not really there when they do the dreaded pelvic exam. He goes slow and gives me time to drift out of body and mind and up into the corner of the room like a mist. So he does not cause any more rape trauma. He might not be able to gage my pain as well, but at least I am not freaking out so much he can't do it. And he trusts me when I say I am in pain.
I guess I should just go to the appointment and suck it. Just grin and bear it. I am not good at that. I just don't want to have a cry fest. Maybe I should cut first and release some of this anxiety. Oh, yes, I think that sounds like a good idea.
Easy By FUEL
Yea, you don't hear the sounds I hear
Yea, you don't feel the fear you fear
The distance that is there
Well it's wearing pretty thin now
And breaking you down is going to be so easy
Replies
that isn\'t a good idea hun but you do what makes you feel better I nor anyone else can stop you.Have a good day and try and do things that will make you feel good sitting around and thinking about all those unhealthy thoughts will keep you in a sad and bad place,I\'m not saying your feeling sorry for yourself but if you are then I want you to stop and do something productive I know how depression is I have lived with it all my life and there are just times where you yourself have to give that push to get up and do things even just 1 I always feel better after that like yeaterday I cooked last week I picked up and did some cleaning so there are things one can do not to stay stuck in that lonely dark place.Hugs,Kim
You can do it. You don\'t need to cut. Trust your doctor. I am happy you have found one that you can trust somewhat. *hug* I hope you can find some peace of some kind