I went to the doctor. I could not stop crying even in the car. See, first I went to the pharmacy to get the med he already called in. I was crying and I had this pain that dropped me to my knees. It was so embarrassing. So, people are staring, but no one is helping. It was awful.

Then I get to the office at 3:30 as told and I wait an hour before I even get brought back to a room. I can't stop crying, so I feel like an idiot.

The doctor starts talking to me about the pain and how at least we know it is not something serious that is going to kill me, we just have to find a way to deal with the pain. Then I vomit. It was wonderful. It was small into tissues, but it still happened and then I couldn't stop the dry heaves.

He wanted to call my husband and send me to the hospital. He asked me where he was and I snapped I don't know. (If you have read my journal you will see that I am mad at him.)

Then he started talking about how we could get one of the nurses to get me a pain injection for him to give me in his office but he knew we would be facing the same problem. Driving home.

He did an exam, poking my belly. God it hurt. He says he didn't mean to kill me he just want to see if he could feel anything new. Then he said that he was not going to do an internal exam because it always hurts me physically and mentally. I told him that if he thought it would tell him something then I would deal with it. He said no. Thank God. Because I think it would have really hurt and he probably said it showed him nothing.

He would not do a nerve block because they have not worked the last two times we have tried it.

So he wrote me a prescription for a stronger pain med. He said I could take it more often than the one I currently take. I am a little nervous because I had a problem with oxycontin several years ago when I had my strokes. I asked what I do when this does not work. He says, then we will go the hospital route. But he is convinced that the dilauded will be good because it is the same thing they gave me at the hospital by IV. It think that makes a difference though.

Then as he left the room, he told me to make sure to call him in a couple days. He said if I am having a problem, to call him. To make sure they page HIM and not some one else. Then he ordered and ultrasound and suggested that maybe I need some anti depressants. I said they were just increased. He said well, give it some time.

Then I started crying even harder because I don't know why, but somehow I felt rejected. I don't know. Sounds crazy. I mean he was really laying it out there and saying call me if you don't feel better, call me make sure they page ME. So I really don't think I should feel that way.

I got in my car and cried all the way home too. I cried waiting at the pharmacy for this new prescription to be filled. It was awful. I didn't stop until I got home.

Now I feel like I want to lock my bedroom door and keep my husband away from me. oh, and take the medicine.

I still feel like crap.