I got all my hair cut off today. I mean not all. My hair had grown out fairly long. I don't always let my hair grow out. It does things to me. At certain times a year, when things start getting bad for me, the feel of it touching the back of my neck gives me flashbacks. Tactile, I am told. Relating to the rapist pulling my hair.
I colored it too. A color not even close to my natural color. So I feel different, I look different. The word whore will take longer to find me.
That man who wrote to me last night effected me in a way I thought I was beyond. I was fearful while I was out. I checked the back seat of my car for a person before I got in. I was supposed to do lots of errands, but I could not bring myself to stay out longer than getting my hair cut. And the urge to cut was just overwhelming. I haven't done it yet.
I don't want whore to find me any quicker than it needs to. It was like he knew one of my biggest conflicts is whether my body was betraying me and enjoyed something about being raped or as everyone else says my body just did what it needed to to protect itself.
I am afraid. I am afraid that things are starting to feel so much worse than they were. It is spring, my worst season. I mean I have had problems at other times of the year, but this is usually the worse because this is when it happened.
The anxiety keeps building. I had to take a sleeping pill last night in order to fall asleep and stop the anxiety. I can't do that in the middle of the day. What I want to do is take my favorite blanket, wrap up in it, play my sad music and just cry.
Am I over reacting?
I colored it too. A color not even close to my natural color. So I feel different, I look different. The word whore will take longer to find me.
That man who wrote to me last night effected me in a way I thought I was beyond. I was fearful while I was out. I checked the back seat of my car for a person before I got in. I was supposed to do lots of errands, but I could not bring myself to stay out longer than getting my hair cut. And the urge to cut was just overwhelming. I haven't done it yet.
I don't want whore to find me any quicker than it needs to. It was like he knew one of my biggest conflicts is whether my body was betraying me and enjoyed something about being raped or as everyone else says my body just did what it needed to to protect itself.
I am afraid. I am afraid that things are starting to feel so much worse than they were. It is spring, my worst season. I mean I have had problems at other times of the year, but this is usually the worse because this is when it happened.
The anxiety keeps building. I had to take a sleeping pill last night in order to fall asleep and stop the anxiety. I can't do that in the middle of the day. What I want to do is take my favorite blanket, wrap up in it, play my sad music and just cry.
Am I over reacting?
Replies
No hun your not at all as far as I am concerned,your rightfully so afraid and this ass has put you in fear to where you are looking to see if anyone is in your car,don\'t cut ok sweetie promise because you know I am here for you.Hugs you,Kim
No your not over reacting. Sometimes people say things that can trigger our emotions back from the past. which sucks. First off Please pLease dont\' cut yourself. You have come to far to go back. I believe the man you emailed you was trying to get himself pleasure off your misery. I am so sorry, I can certainly understand how this affects you. But cutting isn\'t the answer. telling your story is healing. The man is a pervert sorry to say. Is there anyway to block him from sending you emails. I understand this is job for you. You must protect yourself first before you can help others. What advice would you give to someone else if they were you? It\'s not in your head, it\'s real feelings can you tell the police. Maybe they can look into. You survived it once you have set up an website to help others. Which is very brave. You dint\' enjoy it your therapist is right. Your body was only going through the motions but your mind wasn\'t enjoying the motions. Our body and mind can separte from one another. It is our only defense mechanism we have to protect ourselves. That is what your mind did to protect yourself. You shouldn\'t blame yourself for something you didn\'t agree to. You are not a whore.You are a loving soul who helps other people. Your not that bad name. It is only word. It only has meaning if you give it attention. The defintion of a whore is as followed: noun 1. a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet. Does that sound like you. You didn\'t want it you didn\'t agree. To me it doesn\'t sound like you. I hope I helped and not made things worse. I am sorry if I did. I only mean to help never hurt. I hope that you forgive yourself for naming calling yourself.
You feel how you feel. You are not over reacting. I hope that the fear subsides over time. I am hear for you. I wish I could do more. You are worth sooooooooo much!!!!!!!!1
You are not overreacting; you are being drawn back in to that old pain by what that man said. No matter what your body used as a defense mechanism, you NEVER said yes to being raped, so what was done is not your fault. You ARE NOT a whore. You are a victim, and vicitms are not to blame. You area wonderful, caring, courageous person, otherwise you could never have set up your rape support group, trying to help others like you. I admire the strength it took to do that.
You are not a whore. As Lynne said, it is NOT your fault. You are a wonderful person. You can do this.