I went to counseling yesterday. It seemed like I had not been there in forever. I was away last week, so we did not have an appointment. I don't like my appointments on Thursdays. I used to go on Wednesdays, but she has some kind of commitment and she needed to change it. I don't like Thursdays because if something is wrong and we have a bad session, I really have no way to call her after. She is not in on Fridays. At least on Wednesdays, I knew I could call her on Thursdays. Now nothing until Monday.
It was such an emotional appointment. I didn't know where to begin. I could feel the cut on my arm burning. So I pulled back the sleeve on my sweater and showed her the cut. She looked really disappointed. I haven't done it in a long time, but the last time I did it things got bad. She asked me why. And I told her that it was like my skin was just burning, screaming and I could not get it to stop until I cut. Then I relaxed.
She wanted to know if I knew what brought these feelings up for me. And I told her all about that doctor who was supposed to help me and after seeing me he had nothing to offer. I said I don't understand why I had any hope of this working out. She told me of course I had hope. Then I basically said that I would not be making that mistake again.
Then I told her about the nightmare I had. I don't think I ever wrote a journal about it. In the dream I was pregnant, but I was in pain. I went to the hospital and my doctor gave me an IV and told me the pain medicine and fluid would help me feel better. Then he left me. When I was sitting on the bed, I noticed blood coming out of me. I stood up screaming for help and there was just blood gushing out of me. My doctor came in. He hugged me and said I would be ok. He went into the hallway and told a nurse there was no baby but that they would need to do a procedure. I asked what do mean no baby. Then I woke up.
I told her that it reminded me of the rape. And she said that it was probably the trauma of seeing the blood and the lack of baby. The dream really freaked me out.
Geez, now when I look at it, I feel like we really didn't talk about anything. I cried a lot and talk about how I have all these feelings of anger. Like every week I hold this pillow from the couch tight to my body. I feel safe holding it, but this week I wanted to throw it. I told her I had these images in my mind of throwing the pillow and kicking the chair and pushing books of the shelves until I just fell on the floor crying. I just really wanted it. And I knew I would never do it. I don't really do anger. She knew I wouldn't do it either. I think that is why she said I could throw the pillow if I wanted. I couldn't do it. She said I have too much anger inside me right now. For ALL the things that have happened to me. The closest I get to anger expression is cutting.
I just can't wait until next week to go back.
It's snowing. Snow usually makes me feel clean, but today I still feel like a whore.
Good Enough by EVANESCENCE
And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
Pour real life down on me
Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough
Am I good enough
For you to love me too
So take care what you ask of me
cause I can't say no
It was such an emotional appointment. I didn't know where to begin. I could feel the cut on my arm burning. So I pulled back the sleeve on my sweater and showed her the cut. She looked really disappointed. I haven't done it in a long time, but the last time I did it things got bad. She asked me why. And I told her that it was like my skin was just burning, screaming and I could not get it to stop until I cut. Then I relaxed.
She wanted to know if I knew what brought these feelings up for me. And I told her all about that doctor who was supposed to help me and after seeing me he had nothing to offer. I said I don't understand why I had any hope of this working out. She told me of course I had hope. Then I basically said that I would not be making that mistake again.
Then I told her about the nightmare I had. I don't think I ever wrote a journal about it. In the dream I was pregnant, but I was in pain. I went to the hospital and my doctor gave me an IV and told me the pain medicine and fluid would help me feel better. Then he left me. When I was sitting on the bed, I noticed blood coming out of me. I stood up screaming for help and there was just blood gushing out of me. My doctor came in. He hugged me and said I would be ok. He went into the hallway and told a nurse there was no baby but that they would need to do a procedure. I asked what do mean no baby. Then I woke up.
I told her that it reminded me of the rape. And she said that it was probably the trauma of seeing the blood and the lack of baby. The dream really freaked me out.
Geez, now when I look at it, I feel like we really didn't talk about anything. I cried a lot and talk about how I have all these feelings of anger. Like every week I hold this pillow from the couch tight to my body. I feel safe holding it, but this week I wanted to throw it. I told her I had these images in my mind of throwing the pillow and kicking the chair and pushing books of the shelves until I just fell on the floor crying. I just really wanted it. And I knew I would never do it. I don't really do anger. She knew I wouldn't do it either. I think that is why she said I could throw the pillow if I wanted. I couldn't do it. She said I have too much anger inside me right now. For ALL the things that have happened to me. The closest I get to anger expression is cutting.
I just can't wait until next week to go back.
It's snowing. Snow usually makes me feel clean, but today I still feel like a whore.
Good Enough by EVANESCENCE
And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
Pour real life down on me
Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough
Am I good enough
For you to love me too
So take care what you ask of me
cause I can't say no
Replies
wow you have alot on your plate and I can relate though I have never cut I have dug my skin until it bleeds and your right I felt the same way relief,I have had alot happen to me to and trust me anger is what develops from it,sometimes feelings of resentment and hostility,hey if you need to talk about anything you know how to contact me.I also have nightmares and flashbacks talk about things that are haunting there ya go and sure does freak ya out.Take care,Kim.
It sounds to me like you accomplished quite a bit by opening up enough to tell her everything that you did. Good for you! She has to know what all is going on before she can help you. And, maybe, just telling her was a lot.