It's funny how one little thing can change so much. Well; actually I don't know that it has changed things for me, but brought me back to understanding that I am hopeless.
I feel completely out of control and I just want to take my art knife and stab it into my leg and drag it until I see blood.
I feel like my whole body wants it, like my skin is screaming for it. I feel like bursting and the frustration is driving me crazy.
I don't know what to do except to just accept what my body cries for and just do it.
I even took the Klonopin. I am feeling no less anxious.
What do I do?
It's just that doctor, I had this hope for him and, nothing. He basically said I was out of options except for the occasional surgery like I just had where they clean out adhesions and endo, "because you know it just grows back." He said with my other health problems, mainly my strokes, there was no other way to medically treat me and he would not even do a hysterectomy and remove my ovaries because then I would make no natural hormones and with my health issues I would not be able to take hormone drug therapy.
He offered something that I have already tried and it did not work. It is a drug that you can only take for a limited time because of the strong side effects. I took it for the max. I can't ever take it again.
This doctor did not even lay a hand on me. He did not poke my stomach where I said it hurt. He did not do an internal exam. Don't get me wrong, the thought of a stranger's hands on me scared the hell out of me, but I had convinced myself that he needed to do an exam to correctly diagnose me. How could he say anything about me without touching me?
My gyn sent me there to see if he was missing something himself because he feels bad that I am still in pain after all this time and effort. This doctor today made no effort to find something new wrong with me. He just went over what has already been done and then said he can't do anything else. He said another laprascope now would be senseless since I had one a month ago. And he said that endo is hard because there can be this small amount that causes huge pain or there could be a huge amount that causes no pain. (No shit, I told the student doctor that before he walked in. And oh yeah, she paid more attention to me than he did.) I have the small amount huge pain variety.
He didn't even offer advice for pain relief.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
I feel like I am in that desperate place I was in 2 weeks ago. I left his office and all I wanted to do was kick and scream. I wanted to fall on the ground and cry until I couldn't anymore. But I just kept telling myself there are people here. I cried in the car. My husband was no help. He snapped at me and said didn't you hear him say try this or that. And I said I did hear him say try the thing you have already tried and didn't work which I pointed out I tried that and the doctor seemed offended and then I said I was sure I tried the other thing too and it didn't work. Did YOU hear me say that to the doctor.
Then I said just take me somewhere fun. I need a distraction. We were in Hershey,PA so we went to Chocolate World. I think dancing candy bars will make anyone smile, at least for a while. The chocolate shake didn't hurt either.
But it didn't last long.
Sorry this one seems super long.
Shimmer by FUEL
All that she intends
And all she keeps inside
Isn't on the label
I feel completely out of control and I just want to take my art knife and stab it into my leg and drag it until I see blood.
I feel like my whole body wants it, like my skin is screaming for it. I feel like bursting and the frustration is driving me crazy.
I don't know what to do except to just accept what my body cries for and just do it.
I even took the Klonopin. I am feeling no less anxious.
What do I do?
It's just that doctor, I had this hope for him and, nothing. He basically said I was out of options except for the occasional surgery like I just had where they clean out adhesions and endo, "because you know it just grows back." He said with my other health problems, mainly my strokes, there was no other way to medically treat me and he would not even do a hysterectomy and remove my ovaries because then I would make no natural hormones and with my health issues I would not be able to take hormone drug therapy.
He offered something that I have already tried and it did not work. It is a drug that you can only take for a limited time because of the strong side effects. I took it for the max. I can't ever take it again.
This doctor did not even lay a hand on me. He did not poke my stomach where I said it hurt. He did not do an internal exam. Don't get me wrong, the thought of a stranger's hands on me scared the hell out of me, but I had convinced myself that he needed to do an exam to correctly diagnose me. How could he say anything about me without touching me?
My gyn sent me there to see if he was missing something himself because he feels bad that I am still in pain after all this time and effort. This doctor today made no effort to find something new wrong with me. He just went over what has already been done and then said he can't do anything else. He said another laprascope now would be senseless since I had one a month ago. And he said that endo is hard because there can be this small amount that causes huge pain or there could be a huge amount that causes no pain. (No shit, I told the student doctor that before he walked in. And oh yeah, she paid more attention to me than he did.) I have the small amount huge pain variety.
He didn't even offer advice for pain relief.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
I feel like I am in that desperate place I was in 2 weeks ago. I left his office and all I wanted to do was kick and scream. I wanted to fall on the ground and cry until I couldn't anymore. But I just kept telling myself there are people here. I cried in the car. My husband was no help. He snapped at me and said didn't you hear him say try this or that. And I said I did hear him say try the thing you have already tried and didn't work which I pointed out I tried that and the doctor seemed offended and then I said I was sure I tried the other thing too and it didn't work. Did YOU hear me say that to the doctor.
Then I said just take me somewhere fun. I need a distraction. We were in Hershey,PA so we went to Chocolate World. I think dancing candy bars will make anyone smile, at least for a while. The chocolate shake didn't hurt either.
But it didn't last long.
Sorry this one seems super long.
Shimmer by FUEL
All that she intends
And all she keeps inside
Isn't on the label
Replies
I am so sorry to hear that things are not going well and no one understands. Maybe you can find a more understanding and kind doctor. Just remember that you don\'t have to have justification from anyone. Maybe you need something stronger or different type of drug than Klonopin. It wasn\'t enough for me either. I take a mood stabilizer with it. You for you-Jodi
Tell your gynecologist that this guy was a quack, then look around for someone else that would be more empathetic. Jot is right; you know how you feel, and you don\'t need justification, but you do need someone who will try to help.
Jodi,
I also take mood stabilizers with the Klonopin. Depakote, Lithium.