I feel so tired. So very, very tired today. The pain is picking up and I just know if I take that pain med, I am going to fall asleep. Is that what my body wants? Needs? I just want to cuddle up to my cat and fall asleep. Maybe put the heating pad against my stomach. Sometimes that helps.

I feel like crying. Like curling up on my bed with my cat and favorite blanket and just quietly cry. Half holding it in, yet letting it leak out. Maybe blare some of my mood music. The stuff that makes every fiber of my being ache.

Then there is the fear. Tomorrow I see the new doctor, the second opinion. The man who is going to ask me to undress (because he is a gynecologist) and look at all the parts of my body that the rape saw. He is going to stick things inside my body and it is going to hurt. I am going to do everything I can not to cry.

With any luck, I am going to go through all this torture and he is going to come up with a fine new idea for treatment or pain relief. That is the one reason I can subject myself to this.

I don't know what would happen to me if he touched me in that way and then, nothing.

I am scared. I am scared that a stranger will be touching me and I am scared of how I will be feeling and I am scared that he will have nothing to say after I have put myself through all that.

But for now, I want to cry and then nap. Maybe I should take that Klonopin and a pain pill first. It will help me feel less anxious.

My cat is still sleeping on the bed. Maybe he won't mind taking a snooze with me.

Down to My Last by ALTERBRIDGE
And the ones in which we sing
Ones who tried to do us in
I remember your name and I know your face
Can't forgive and can't erase