Buttons, buttons, buttons. Why was I so obsessed with those buttons. I mean, they were mine. not his. I wanted them, but were they really so important to me that I needed to have every last one in my possession before I could leave. I mean he already HAD me. What difference would a button make?
And that damn blackness. That time seems so God damned important to me. What could have happened in that time. I can't even imagine. I mean I remember all the fighting and all the pain. I remember the initial thrust of the rape, but then nothing. I need to know what was there. I already felt so much more, what could possibly hurt me so much that I can't remember it now.
Farther Away by EVANESCENCE
I took the smiles and I made them mine
I sold my soul just to hide the light
But now I know what I really am
A thief, a whore and a liar
I run to you (and run away from this hell)
Call out your name (giving up, giving in)
I see you there (still you are)
Farther away
I'm numb to you numb and deaf and blind
You give me all but the reason why
I reach but I feel only air at night
Not love not you just nothing
Repeat chorus
I run to you...
Try to forget you
But without you I feel nothing
Don't leave me here by myself I can't breathe
Repeat chorus
I run to you
I feel like I am a thief a whore and a liar. A whore because there have been men in my life who all they wanted to do was take sex from me. I feel like I steal my happiness and say whatever I have to to stay happy.
And that damn blackness. That time seems so God damned important to me. What could have happened in that time. I can't even imagine. I mean I remember all the fighting and all the pain. I remember the initial thrust of the rape, but then nothing. I need to know what was there. I already felt so much more, what could possibly hurt me so much that I can't remember it now.
Farther Away by EVANESCENCE
I took the smiles and I made them mine
I sold my soul just to hide the light
But now I know what I really am
A thief, a whore and a liar
I run to you (and run away from this hell)
Call out your name (giving up, giving in)
I see you there (still you are)
Farther away
I'm numb to you numb and deaf and blind
You give me all but the reason why
I reach but I feel only air at night
Not love not you just nothing
Repeat chorus
I run to you...
Try to forget you
But without you I feel nothing
Don't leave me here by myself I can't breathe
Repeat chorus
I run to you
I feel like I am a thief a whore and a liar. A whore because there have been men in my life who all they wanted to do was take sex from me. I feel like I steal my happiness and say whatever I have to to stay happy.
Replies
What men take from you does not define you. And it does not make you anything except blameless. You were the victim,and it was not your fault. Have you tried to remember under hynosis?
No, my therapist thinks that it is too soon to try to remember right now. That it is not something I can handle and I should go slow.
Then I would listen to my therapist, and just be patient.
I agree with your therapist and Lynne -- maybe now is time to work through other issues -- the time will come to remember, and it will be difficult enough. We are all here for you. I wish I could be there for you in person.