I can't sleep. I see my psychiatrist in a few hours and I am afraid. My hope is that I tell her about all I have been feeling and we just try a new medication. Not that I want to be on another med because I take quite a few already, but it is better than the hospital.

I don't want to take a sleep aide because I am afraid I will not be able to wake up early enough. I think it is the whole idea of leaving the house too. I am also going to try to do some errands, like hit the grocery store.

I am listening to this music and this song just always makes me think of the rape. I love the song, but the lyrics just make me think too much. And it's not like I don't want to hear the song, it's on an album I like and as I said I like the song. It's just something about them. Here, see for yourself.

Hemorrage (In my hand) BY FUEL

Memories are just where you lay them
Drag the water 'til the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find
Was it something you left behind
Don't you remember anything I said
When I said
Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave life bleeding in my hands
Ah, Hold me now I feel contagious
Am I only the only place that you left to go
She cries that life is like
Some movie black and white
Dead actors faking lines
Over and over and over she cries
Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave life bleeding in my hands
In my hands again
Leave life bleeding in my hands
Love lies bleeding
And I wanted
You turned away
You don't remember
But I do
You never even tried
Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave life bleeding in my hands

I guess you would have to know the whole story of my rape to see way these words effect me so. Actually lots of music does. Maybe I will share more later.

Now I think I should try to sleep.