I slept all afternoon and I feel like I could sleep some more. It seems wrong to want to sleep so much, but I keep telling myself that my doctor told me to rest. My body needs to sleep to get better.

Also, I took a Klonopin and they make me sleepy.

I did call my psychiatrist earlier and she is away for the weekend. Her office called me a couple hours later to see how I was doing. We talked for a while. She wanted to know what was going on and I really didn't know what to say. I told her that I saw my therapist yesterday and she thought I should call my doc to see if there was something else we should be doing.I explained about the physical pain and the unsuccessful surgery.

She asked if I felt suicidal. I started crying and said this was really hard for me to talk about. She said she understood and we went slow. I told her that things were making me feel really hopeless. And to be completely honest, yes, I have felt that way.

She asked if I thought I needed to be in the hospital. Now I got really upset. I told her that I had done this before and bad things happened and I just couldn't go through that again.

Then of course she wanted to know about the situation around that hospitalization. I told her about the rape and about how no one seemed to understand why I was in the hospital so I always felt man handled and restrained. She said they have a great program and that I shouldn't have problems like that again. But she understood. She said that if things got bad over the weekend, I should go to the ER for help. I have also done that before and they locked me in a room for hours and then sent me home. It was awful. That was a different hospital. She said they have a a whole area set up just for psych in the ER. Made me feel a little better, but I feel this pressure not to get involved because of my husband and my family not understanding.

She moved my appointment up from middle of March to next Tuesday. We also decided that I should take the Klonopin regularly even though it says twice a day as needed. I don't like taking it all the time because it makes me feel drugged, but the laid back feeling I get is helping right now.

I sort of feel dead inside right now. Not that desperate everything is wrong feeling. I feel pushed passed that into something more. Just empty and like nothing is going to help me get back to me.