It was a very scary therapy session. I think I cried hysterically like the whole time. I just wanted to tell her about the depths of pain and hell I have been feeling. I wanted to be truthful, but I also did not want to scare her and make her say or do something I would regret.

I told her about how bad the pain had been and how I feel hopeless about it. I mean at least I had a little hope when I thought I was going to see a specialist in Philadelphia. But then the insurance company said I could not see this doctor and I feel like I am stuck with the suffering.

I told her that I just can't take it anymore. That I wished I weren't a coward and could swallow every pill I have in the house, lie down and just sleep forever.

She suggested a psychiatric hospital. I can't do that. I can barely make it through a regular hospitalization. I had a few panic attacks while I was in last week. Psychiatric unit are locked. They don't let you out. And my experience that they are not that supportive.

Then she asked what I thought of going in as a substance abuse program. To stop taking my pain meds and find something else to treat the pain. I don't think so. I don't take my meds in an abusive way and I like knowing I can take them when I need to. She snapped at me because I told her that she was making me feel like a drug addict and I am not one.

I explained that it was like the same voice I hear in my head that says I should just die because no one cares and you are bad. That voice was telling me she said I was a drug addict. She said she doesn't feel that way at all, she thinks the pain meds are making me worse and so I should just stop taking them. I feel they are all that I have and when I take them every 4 hours, and lie in bed, the pain is tolerable.

I said no. I can't do it. She wanted to know why and I finally just told her that it sounded too scary. I have been there before. I went into a hospital after I was raped. No one understood why I was there or seemed to know how to help me. There were big men grabbing me all the time. They restrained me. Did anyone tell them that I was there because of rape? These men touching me and holding me down, sent me further into myself. It did not make me calm. My rapist held me down. I didn't need strangers doing it too.

But it's a good program. And it was a long time ago when I was in the hospital. I'm sorry. I was there for three months and bad things happened. Then several years ago I went to an out patient program and that felt so useless and silly. The things they had us doing.

I promised to call my psychiatrist and to journal. She wants me to try to think what has changed for me since I was doing well a couple years ago. She feels I have regressed back and she can't think why.

I had some thoughts. My husband and I moved last spring (which is a bad time of year for me) and I don't really feel like I have a place yet. Once again, spring is bad for me and that is when my rape issues start coming up for me. I expect this is the start of that. I have been obsessed with trying to figure out that blank memory in my rape. I have just been having these flashbacks nightmares. I get sensory flashbacks as well as tactile. This all goes well with the panic attacks I have been having. Then there is all the pain. I had pain back when I was doing well mentally, it just wasn't this bad and I could handle it better. She thinks I had more energy and was better able to handle stuff. I was also taking Zoloft and Lamictal at the time. I stopped taking them several months ago. Maybe that is what I need.

I am feeling very tired and having lots of pain. I think I need to lie down for awhile.