Well, I had my post op appointment today. The doctor told me he figured I would still be in pain. He thought the surgery might make me feel worse, which it has, instead of better, but we didn't know what else to do. He told me to give it more time. I don't know how much more time I have. This pain is just overwhelming and I am not strong enough to survive it.

Then he mentioned fertility drugs and looked at my husband and said I should be fertile in the next few days. I yelled at him and said I was not thinking about sex. This hurts too much. And I know he was about to say something that would sound like suck it up, even though he didn't mean it that way. He stopped and said my husband was making a face. I turned to look but it was gone.

I told the doctor I was not taking Letrozole. I had two strokes and my neurologist said I cannot take medicine like that again. I felt so lost and helpless when I had those strokes, for weeks, I am not going through that again. I even said to my husband, you remember what that was like and he told the doctor no way. This drug is supposed to be helping some women with endometriosis too and that is really why he wants to give it to me. My neurologist said no and that's it.

He was basically dismissive of my pain. Give it time. And I swear when I asked him what to do in two weeks if I still had pain he said call me when you want to do something like take that medicine.

When we were out in the car John asked me when I told the doctor I wanted to get pregnant. I never told him that. My doctor said after the surgery that I should try to get pregnant because it looked like everything was in working order and he didn't see why I couldn't. He doesn't usually say that, he usually reminds me that the damage from the rape didn't look good. After the last surgery in June, I told him that I didn't need him to tell me that every time because I remembered and it hurt me. So now my husband is all upset because my doctor was talking pregnancy. I asked him if he wanted a baby and he said not now. I am too sick. But it sounded hurtful.

Then he asked if I was still considering a hysterectomy. I have never considered one. My gyn doesn't think it will help me. He claims my gyn has told him that it will. I asked him if he feels I don't want to get better. I started crying because of course I want to get better. And it is not like you can put a uterus back if it is not the problem. What if they take it out and find out it is something with my bowel?

It makes me so sad. I have this pain that is ruining me and I don't know what to do about it. Things that might help some one else, I can't even try because I have these other health issues. Everything is piling on me and all I want to do is cry. That's not true. I want to cut myself too, but I am trying to control that.

I just sent some one a message saying I am such a coward that I won't swallow a bottle of pills even though I feel that is what I deserve and is the only thing that will help. I don't know what to do. I feel really alone.