I am so tired today. All I have done is sleep. I feel weak and tired. I just forced myself to get out of bed and I am trying to talk my self into a shower. I have not been able to shower since the day of my surgery and today would be a good day to start. I am afraid because I feel so weak. I am still having lots of pain and I don't want them to overcome me in the shower. I am alone, as usual and there would no one there to help me if something happened.
I feel different today. Yesterday there was sort of this aggressive sadness. This desperate mental pain to go with my physical pain. Today, I feel more lost and alone and just sad, less desperate. But the ending message still feels the same. I have physical pain and mental pain that are pulling me into pieces.
Tomorrow I see the doctor that did the surgery. He finally called me yesterday around 7PM. He thought I should try staying in bed more and resting. I did that and I still feel tired and weak. What is wrong with me? I am useless. This shower idea seems doomed.
Surgery brings all my most severe PTSD symptoms out. Anxiety, nightmares, shaking, crying, you know the list. I can see what I will be spending my therapy time Thursday talking about. I want to talk to her right now, but I don't know how. Does that make sense? I want to tell her how bad I feel and about the nightmares oh and the suicidal thoughts. Those get you into trouble. I am afraid to talk about that with anyone with any authority because they might do something bad to me. It's happened before. Being in the hospital brings back all the memories of after the rape when they finally hospitalized me, basically because I attempted suicide with an overdose. Those aren't good thoughts.
If this surgery could just work and take away the pain so I can be normal again. I could stop having pain everyday. I could go back to work and school and my husband would be happy I was making money again. Maybe we could have a normal sex life or at least get pregnant. Maybe the rape wouldn't haunt me so much anymore. But I already know this surgery hasn't done that. I can tell by the pain. And my doctor sounded very let down when I described the pain.
You know I don't like to think of it this way, but the rape ruined everything. It still touches me today and that is not even just mentally. I don't know what to do anymore. I hurt and I am alone more than I want to be.
I feel different today. Yesterday there was sort of this aggressive sadness. This desperate mental pain to go with my physical pain. Today, I feel more lost and alone and just sad, less desperate. But the ending message still feels the same. I have physical pain and mental pain that are pulling me into pieces.
Tomorrow I see the doctor that did the surgery. He finally called me yesterday around 7PM. He thought I should try staying in bed more and resting. I did that and I still feel tired and weak. What is wrong with me? I am useless. This shower idea seems doomed.
Surgery brings all my most severe PTSD symptoms out. Anxiety, nightmares, shaking, crying, you know the list. I can see what I will be spending my therapy time Thursday talking about. I want to talk to her right now, but I don't know how. Does that make sense? I want to tell her how bad I feel and about the nightmares oh and the suicidal thoughts. Those get you into trouble. I am afraid to talk about that with anyone with any authority because they might do something bad to me. It's happened before. Being in the hospital brings back all the memories of after the rape when they finally hospitalized me, basically because I attempted suicide with an overdose. Those aren't good thoughts.
If this surgery could just work and take away the pain so I can be normal again. I could stop having pain everyday. I could go back to work and school and my husband would be happy I was making money again. Maybe we could have a normal sex life or at least get pregnant. Maybe the rape wouldn't haunt me so much anymore. But I already know this surgery hasn't done that. I can tell by the pain. And my doctor sounded very let down when I described the pain.
You know I don't like to think of it this way, but the rape ruined everything. It still touches me today and that is not even just mentally. I don't know what to do anymore. I hurt and I am alone more than I want to be.
Replies
I remember when I began to have the surgeries for my HPV diagnosis and it lead to severe PTSD symptoms for me. There were two things that helped... first was taking seroquel on a regular schedule (talk to you dr) and also to have a sign on my chart that said \"severe PTSD\" so the drs would know to respond to me in an appropriate manner. Please take it easy. Maybe a quick shower and clean jammies is just what you need. I am sending you healing thoughts.
I hope you start feeling soon. I agree that a shower and some clean pjs would be a good idea. Might make you at least feel better... a little?
I am still thinking about that shower.