I feel so selfish. Ever since I came home from the hospital last week, all I've wanted was to go back. This pain is just overwhelming. It's making me so tired. I feel doubled over from pain in my pelvis and now I am having muscle spams in my back. When I talk about it, I start to cry and my husband asks me "why are you crying?" I don't know. I guess because IT HURTS!
It makes me feel so out of control and the panic attacks are driving me mad. I panic that I can't handle this. I mean how much pain can a body take before it just gives out? What do I think they are going to do for me at the ER? They can't do anything. I called my doctor this morning the report that I have been having problems all weekend and I still haven't heard back from them. The nurse made it sound like I should think about taking a nap.
It's not like I have done all that much. I haven't even read the journal entries of my friends here because being on the computer too long, hurts me. My husband complained about having to clean the kitchen because it was really bad. I told him he has to understand, the week before I went into the hospital, I didn't even want to make dinner never mind eat it or clean up after it. The laundry is overflowing and I told him over the weekend I would not be able to do laundry for a while because I can't lift anything more than 5 pounds for at least 2 weeks. I told him I won't be able to go grocery shopping this week either. He doesn't seem to be listening.
And meanwhile I just hurt. I feel like some one is trying to peel my insides out. I can't take anymore pain meds until 5pm. It seems like forever. I want to cry. Again.
I am having a hard time falling asleep even though I feel so tired. I feel as though I can't get comfortable. I have been taking sleep aides at night. I have one anxiety pill left before I need a refill and I don't feel like leaving the house to do it. You see not only am I having this pain thing, but I am starting my yearly anxiety thing.
The nightmares have already started. I had the strangest one last night. Sometimes I have these straight forward that was definitely a rape nightmare and sometimes I have these scary as hell, but what did it mean dreams. And that is what I had last night. It was basically something like, some one scary was trying to have sex with me and they were getting angry because I wasn't responding to them, they rolled me over and my hair was wet and sticking to my face and eyes were rolled back in my skull and it looked like I was dead. Scared me. The guy didn't seem to care and just finished what he was doing and left me in a puddle. WEIRD.
Anyway, that is how I am feeling in pain, scared, panicked, and alone.
It makes me feel so out of control and the panic attacks are driving me mad. I panic that I can't handle this. I mean how much pain can a body take before it just gives out? What do I think they are going to do for me at the ER? They can't do anything. I called my doctor this morning the report that I have been having problems all weekend and I still haven't heard back from them. The nurse made it sound like I should think about taking a nap.
It's not like I have done all that much. I haven't even read the journal entries of my friends here because being on the computer too long, hurts me. My husband complained about having to clean the kitchen because it was really bad. I told him he has to understand, the week before I went into the hospital, I didn't even want to make dinner never mind eat it or clean up after it. The laundry is overflowing and I told him over the weekend I would not be able to do laundry for a while because I can't lift anything more than 5 pounds for at least 2 weeks. I told him I won't be able to go grocery shopping this week either. He doesn't seem to be listening.
And meanwhile I just hurt. I feel like some one is trying to peel my insides out. I can't take anymore pain meds until 5pm. It seems like forever. I want to cry. Again.
I am having a hard time falling asleep even though I feel so tired. I feel as though I can't get comfortable. I have been taking sleep aides at night. I have one anxiety pill left before I need a refill and I don't feel like leaving the house to do it. You see not only am I having this pain thing, but I am starting my yearly anxiety thing.
The nightmares have already started. I had the strangest one last night. Sometimes I have these straight forward that was definitely a rape nightmare and sometimes I have these scary as hell, but what did it mean dreams. And that is what I had last night. It was basically something like, some one scary was trying to have sex with me and they were getting angry because I wasn't responding to them, they rolled me over and my hair was wet and sticking to my face and eyes were rolled back in my skull and it looked like I was dead. Scared me. The guy didn't seem to care and just finished what he was doing and left me in a puddle. WEIRD.
Anyway, that is how I am feeling in pain, scared, panicked, and alone.
Replies
I don\'t know you or your husband or your relationship with him so this may even be the opposite of what you should do, but...
I would tell him to wake up and smell the freakin coffee. You need help. \'Listen up! This freakin hurts and you need to do your part! This a WAKE UP CALL. Time to pitch in because you\'re only making it worse physically and mentally\'.
THIS MAY BE HORRIBLE ADVICE FOR YOU. I\'m not sure of your situation but in some manner he needs to realized this isn\'t going away overnite and unless he helps out it will only get worse for both of you.
Do you have any close family or friends that could come over and stay with you during the day? Maybe you could stay with them?
I agree, He is NOT helping you, and, in fact, may be making you feel worse!