I think it has been a week since I was last able to write. I feel a little shaky now, but I wanted to let my new friends know I am alive and I am NOT ignoring you.

In my last entry I described the physical pain I was suffering. I finally drove myself to the hospital because my husband could not leave work. Due to the bad ice storms we have been unable to get some one to help us get my car, so it is still there.

I went to the ER and really didn't know what to except from them. By the time they could get my gyn to see me, the pain was much worse. He was in surgery. Once my gyn got there, he wanted to do an internal exam and this nerve block procedure that sometimes helps. Now I love my gyn, he listens to me and always tries to consider my mental health as well. He knows about the rape and tries to be very conscious of it when examining me, but he does this thing where he grabs my foot to put it where he needs it. He says his other patients find it helpful. I think his other patients hate it too, they just don't have a violent response to it. He forgot not to touch my foot and I flipped out inside. I started yanking my foot away and I said you're grabbing my foot again. He dropped it like it was hot. Then he explained to the nurse that I am sensitive about my boundaries. That exam was so painful. Anyone that has had one knows what it entails. They put this tool, a speculum inside you to hold you open I guess. And I think I screamed. And he has to leave it there to do this nerve block because he is shooting nerves behind the uterus. I thought I could die right there. Between the pain and the panic it caused, I actually thought I could pass out. But he was fast and it didn't help.

They gave me some pain medicine and by 11 PM, I had been admitted to the hospital. Keeping in mind that I got there at 3PM.

I stayed through the weekend on constant pain medicine. My doctor wanted to test to see if I could go home, because you can't stay in the hospital in pain medicine forever, so he had me wait as long as I could without it. I had been getting it every 2 hours. I waited 3 1/2 hours and I thought I was going to die. I had a panic attack and was crying by the time the got to me with the medicine. I don't understand the panic attack, but I have them all the time so I know what they feel like. The experiment failed and I would be staying. He didn't know what to do with me, so I asked. "can't you do an ultra sound or something. I mean maybe there was something new there." So he ordered one for the next day.

Let me just say something about gyn ultra sounds. They can get a little personal. I mean it should not be a painful experience, but it was one of the most painful ultra sounds I have ever had. Then they said they had to do an internal, which usually means they think they saw something, but they want a closer look. They put this thing inside you with a "condom" on it. It looks like a giant scary penis. I can feel the panic rising. Thank God this part is usually quick. I have to do everything I can to make my mind stop thinking that some one is ramming something inside me. I mean they are not, it is more like gentle gliding, but my mind says ramming. I think I started that damn singing at one point because the tech said "what?" Like she could hear me. And I could feel the tears running down my face. Anyway, long story short, cyst.

So now we know this cyst is there and my doctor says it will probably resolve itself on its own, so I can go home. and he tells me this through the bathroom door and I feel more than a little neglected and scared. The nurse finds me freaking out in my bed, crying. I explain, I can't take this pain. I don't know what is going to happen if I go home like this. What if something happens and I can't get back? I am hyperventilating. I didn't realize that she was the nurse manager and she got mad at my doctor. She called him and made him talk to me on the phone.

He offers to do surgery to remove the cyst and see if the endometriosis had come back since last year. You can't see that on an ultra sound. So, wednesday I had surgery. The anesthisiolgist I had was the same one I had last year and he remembered I had a problem with them when they put the mask on my face. He said, "You remember I am going to have to put that mask on your face, right." I don't remember him doing this time or last, but I know it has caused me problem before. That feeling of something covering my face, really sets me off. I actually remember that they needed to give me oxygen during my last stay and reached for the nurse as I was crying and whispered "it is too much like the rape." I don't know what that meant, but as soon as she felt she could, she put those little nose tubes on me. Anyway, I don't know how I reacted to it, because I don't remember being rolled into the room although I remember just before it. It think it is that memory drug they give you.

So they found a large cyst on my ovary, some endometriosis which they burned off and some adhesions tying my intestines to my abdominal wall. They kept me one night just to see me do the usual eat, drink, pee and walk. It was late after the surgery and a storm was coming, so I stayed. First thing in the morning yesterday, all I could think of was coming home because it has been forever since I have been in my own bed or seen my cats, worn my own pajamas or walked to my fridge to get a drink when I want it. Now I am in pain, I am shaky and my husband went to work so I am alone, and that all scares me.

I am scared that this pain will stay at this intensity level even though my doctor and the nurses said to just give it time because surgery pain will go away. I am afraid something is going to happen to me I am afraid I will have another panic attack and I won't be able to handle it alone. (My counselor doesn't work Fridays. And I had to cancel my appointment for her yesterday, so I haven't seen her.) I am afraid I will become an emotional mess dealing with this pain and my desperation will show. I think it shows NOW! I am scared.