I have never really written a journal online for everyone to read. It's weird. I have always thought if some one could just read my journal and help me, maybe I could find some relief.
What is bothering me is that there is this moment in my rape when things just turn black. I can remember everything so vividly. I can feel it. I can smell things!
And I understand people say that maybe your mind just can't handle it and you had to close it out to survive. It's my life and my body and my memories and my time. And I want it back!
I want to KNOW that it wasn't my fault, to KNOW I didn't do something to excite him, to KNOW that at the moment before I chose to leave my body there was nothing more I could have done to save myself. I NEED this.
And all I've got is moment when I turn my head away from him and start singing. I remember it clearly. I started singing Old McDonald. Old McDonald had a farm eieio. And on his farm he had a duck. . . I remember it. And then nothing.
Then I remember the car moving. And he was driving me home. And I was still singing.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I get that time back. What did he do to me? I just want to cry.
What is bothering me is that there is this moment in my rape when things just turn black. I can remember everything so vividly. I can feel it. I can smell things!
And I understand people say that maybe your mind just can't handle it and you had to close it out to survive. It's my life and my body and my memories and my time. And I want it back!
I want to KNOW that it wasn't my fault, to KNOW I didn't do something to excite him, to KNOW that at the moment before I chose to leave my body there was nothing more I could have done to save myself. I NEED this.
And all I've got is moment when I turn my head away from him and start singing. I remember it clearly. I started singing Old McDonald. Old McDonald had a farm eieio. And on his farm he had a duck. . . I remember it. And then nothing.
Then I remember the car moving. And he was driving me home. And I was still singing.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I get that time back. What did he do to me? I just want to cry.
Replies
You did what you needed to do to save yourself. Your body and mind knew exactly what you needed. I don\'t think there are any clear right/wrong ways to deal with this... in your mind and in your memories. The singing you remember is probably something you did to distract and dissociate from the rape itself. Give yourself time. The more you allow yourself to let go of the fear the more clear things will become. Keep talking. When I started working through some of my abuse issues from when I was younger, I would remember the oddest things at the most strange times. Keep writing... keep being aware of your thoughts and feelings... don\'t force yourself to remember before it is time.
Healing Hugs to you
Rape is not about sex, and you did not do anything to ask for it. It was NOT your fault. The fault lies entirely with him, and he is the one who should pay for it. There is NOTHING wrong with you; your reactions are entirely normal. Try not to balme yourself, because you are NOT to blame. Take care of you.
It\'s funny because I know these things in my head, but my heart hurts so much. Both comments have said so much to me. I just really want to stop hurting.
I think it is normal for victims to look for fault in themselves. Someway to explain why it happened to them and not to someone else. But it wasn\'t your fault. There is absolutely nothing a woman can do to \'incite\' a rape. I don\'t care what you did or said or didn\'t do or say. No matter what lead up to that moment. There is absolutely NO justification for someone to force themselves on someone. NONE. It CANNOT possibly be your fault. No is no and that doesn\'t matter if its a husband or a stranger.
Nothing is wrong with you. With counseling and time it may come back. But not now. You know its not ok yet. Thats why. Deep down maybe you\'re not ready.
Is there any chance, is it possible he may have drugged you? Put something in a drink or someting like that?
If you REALLY need further proof, which at this point in your life having talked with you many times, you know that he wasn\'t turned on until it got violent. You fought back, and that is awesome. The fact that your mother was so awful to you is typical of her. I just wanted you to know that I am reading your journal and think that you are very brave for it. I am still unable to journal. Love you!