Shame
i did it again, this time worse I guess. I couldn't help it, me ex has definitively said she doesnt want me back now but maybe in the future
Recently i asked question which seemed fair but she though odd like 'do I know the new guy' which I saw as an okay thing to ask... apparently not. I love her, absolutelly unconditionally. I will wait, not like some sad puppy but a happy inividual instead who can greet her if she ever comes back... Which she said she might. I was also unsure what she meant by that.
the self harm is back sadly, but I scared myself a bit. There was no cutting as I promised not to. But instead GRAPHIC WARNING I deliberately broke a toe. I feel like a freak writing that.
i was crying on the floor with my knees up to my chest and my feet in my hands. the Thought didn't even really cross my mind. I was so filled with self hatred for loosing what I once had that I twisted too hard, I knew I was doing it, the whole time I was waiting for the toe to snap but now I just think it's disguating unlike when I used to cut, I'd admire it after.
im scared that I'm going further when in these states each and every time, never questioning until I'm completely cried out. I don't want the suicidal edge to come back, although, I can feel it there and it's so tempting. But the fact I'm blocking it is good, it means I'm probably not in danger.
Recently i asked question which seemed fair but she though odd like 'do I know the new guy' which I saw as an okay thing to ask... apparently not. I love her, absolutelly unconditionally. I will wait, not like some sad puppy but a happy inividual instead who can greet her if she ever comes back... Which she said she might. I was also unsure what she meant by that.
the self harm is back sadly, but I scared myself a bit. There was no cutting as I promised not to. But instead GRAPHIC WARNING I deliberately broke a toe. I feel like a freak writing that.
i was crying on the floor with my knees up to my chest and my feet in my hands. the Thought didn't even really cross my mind. I was so filled with self hatred for loosing what I once had that I twisted too hard, I knew I was doing it, the whole time I was waiting for the toe to snap but now I just think it's disguating unlike when I used to cut, I'd admire it after.
im scared that I'm going further when in these states each and every time, never questioning until I'm completely cried out. I don't want the suicidal edge to come back, although, I can feel it there and it's so tempting. But the fact I'm blocking it is good, it means I'm probably not in danger.
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