Etc.

Had another panic attack two nights ago.   I couldn't breathe and it just kept going and going.  Got in front of the fan with my husband singing loudly and finally got through it.  It seems the more that I try to work on my breathing (yes even pursed lipped breathing) the more trouble that I have.  It is almost as if when I ignore it by distractions that it gets better.  Some things make it worse, if my 4 year old son says mommy,  exertion, trying to catch my creatures or discipline them seems to have a negative effect ( not sure why ) the exertion I think.  These panic attacks are worse than child birth.  There is no comparison.  They are the worst thing that I have ever been through and feels like there is no logic to them.  I have worked today and the weather has been very humid.  It has been raining here for days.  Also there was a decline in temps.  I have barely been able to walk to my patient's homes from the car.  I have had to stop and fix my breathing.  The problem is I need to get into their air, I don't want to go in gasping, and the rushing into the home will make it worse.  What a mess!   I have almost had enough breathing difficulty to go into a full blown panic attack.  What will I do?  If I am outside...If I can't find a fan or air conditioner to put my face into...or if a patient sees me..or if a co-worker sees me and the aftermath of feeling as if I just faced death and having to just go on through the day...
I had 1-2 weeks of just great.  I almost felt as if nothing was wrong with me.  Then it all changed.  I have a cold/bronchitis thing going on, weather had a drastic change, and my Dulera inhaler was empty and I didn't notice.  Which one of these things or combination of these things caused it?  I'm not sure.
Started an antidepressant.  Felt alive for a few days.  It was awesome.  Didn't sleep as much, appetite increased,  cut grass smelled awesome, wind felt like a delightful tickle.  It went away.  Side effect is weight gain.  Have gained about eight pounds in two weeks.  I am back to flat blah!