Having kind of a blue day. I didnt even want to get out of bed today. I'm so overwhelmed by everything going on that I didnt even want to get out of bed and face things, things I need to get done, and facing failure. I had a big mac for lunch, fries and a soda.... didnt exercise tonight... even for a little while considered giving up on the diet completely. I am disgusted with myself, my life, my everything. If I didnt have my husband here to support me, who knows what I would have done. This makes me nervous because he's going to be leaving very soon for four monts and I'm going to be on my own. Just me and the two pups to keep me company.. I am hoping that the sun is out tomorrow, because all this rain and gloomy weather, everything gray and cold, is really getting to me. I'm not even going to do my nightly ritual of commenting everyones journals because I would be a hypocrit. I have a problem, and I need to fix it. Its extra frusterating because I dont even like the fast food. It doesnt taste good and it makes me sick after, so why do I eat it? I'm punishing myself, thats the only reason I can think of. I hate being fat, so I sabotage my diet to punish myself... why? I dont know yet. I barely ate anything else for the rest of the day because I felt so guilty. I'm even considering taking exlax to get the toxins out of my body. I feel gross. Tomorrow needs to be a better day because I dont know if I'll be able to stick with this diet if I'm down all the time.
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Well, I know it doesn\'t really help to hear this, but your issue definitely is not with the food. That\'s just what you\'re using to mask it. Your entry sounds so much like me it\'s freaky. I was feeling great today and was on my way home, knowing that I\'d eaten well all day and was going to the gym tonight. I\'m not just dieting, I have an eating disorder that I\'m trying very hard to overcome on my own. I nearly wrecked it all by stopping at McDonalds. I don\'t know what it was that stopped me but somehow I found the will to not turn my steering wheel to enter the parking lot. I went home, changed my clothes, fed my baby and left for the gym. I can relate to the struggle you\'re having because it\'s a struggle that I go through every single day. What you\'re thinking of, the exlax, is a form of purging and it\'s such an unhealthy thing to do to yourself. Take it from someone who knows. Please don\'t start that habit. I hope that the sun comes out for you tomorrow...and if I see it, I will think of you and will be hoping that you\'re feeling a little bit better.
Hang in there it will happen. Have faith that things will pick up. I know easier said that done. You can do it and will. I have tried to lose weight over the past two years I have only lost 40lbs but it was healthier. I am still heavy and want to lose more but small baby steps. If you need to talk I will be on almost every night.
May tomorrow be a perfect day, may you find love and laughter along the way. I love take out food but I make it a point to cook all my meals and home so that I don\'t get tempted. I know I have alot of things that need to be taken care of too and I try to do one thing at the mininum a day. Hope you feel better on Thursday and on.