Alone

Today is the first day that I am by myself.  I am feeling really scared right now.  I just had surgery on Wed.  I ended up in the hospital and everyone is gone.  I am not supposed to drive for 2 weeks but I can ride .  I am not supossed to do any chores for 4-6 weeks.  I read the phamplet about my Prozac.  I am calling the allergy clinic tomorrow.  I want to see if they can test me about being allergic to the Prozac.  When I take it my tongue and throat tingle all day until the effects where off.  If I am allergic, I have to stop taking it.  Oh my goodness!!!! I will have to try another pill.  This will be like the 12th or 13th pill -liquid that I have tried for my depression anxiety.  This sucks really bad.  Yesterday I was filled with panic the entire day.  Jamie told me that I had to walk around.  Okay.  I went out to get my neighbors mail and walked around the house.  He took me to the grocery store with him so he could keep an eye on me.  I wanted to ride the electric car.  I was feeling really dizzy and sore.  However, he told me to walk.  I walked and waddled like a penguin.  He wouldn't even walk next to me.  I think he was too embarassed on how I was walking.  My goodness, you try having stuff scraped from inside of your stomach and your two ovaries peeled off of your hip and see how fast you walk.  LOL  I ate some Fiber cereal.  Dry cereal always helps me when I am feeling neausous(sp?).  I felt really good last night.  Suprisingly, I didn't have to take any tylenol.  I even slept in my bed for the first time since the surgery.  Sleeping sitting upright is very uncomfortable.  Last night my husband and my sister got into it.  Jamie told me that half of the problem with our marriage is my family.  He shouted at me and really got me upset.  Then he left to get Kristin.  He shouted at Kristin too.  Kristin came in by me crying.  I comforted her and the both of us fell asleep together.  I was scared.  I can't drive, and it is late.  Why does a man do this to a woman?  He even read my card that I had written for everyone in case I didn't make it out of surgery.  He even gave Amanda's card to her.  How dare he?  He had no right to do this.  I had those only if I died.  What a jerk?  Today he called me on his break.  Acted like he was concerned about me and then hung up the phone on me when he didn't like when I told him that I didn't know where the dryer vac was.  Oh my goodness.  Thank goodness I didn't have my tubes tied.  I need my therapist to get me stronger now to leave my husband for good.  I can't leave him and go back to work all at the same time.  Too much.  I need to get away from him.  He is bringing me down to no end.  I thought that the surgery would help with my panic attacks.  Boy, I was mistaken.  I am having more and more.  What is going on?  My sugar dropped so low, I almost passed out.  I am not eating because I am really depressed.  My husband is so mad that he had to take care of me and that he could not work.  It was his decision to take off.  Not mine.  Anything that he does for me he doesn't like to do.  I can sense it and see it in his face.  Why would someone do this that is married to this person?  I have changed for the better and he doesn't like it.  He hates the fact that I see a therapist.  He hates the fact that I have a friend that helps me.  He wanted me to call my parents up last night or today and yell at them for leaving our daughter at a birthday sleep over.  I called my mom to see what happened.  I couldn't yell at them.  My dad even got on the phone to see why I was so upset.  I think all the pills in the world can't change how I feel at this point right now.  I am so happy that I see my therapist tomorrow.  I am so happy that she was able to help me before my surgery.  I am very grateful to my therapist.  I am trying to hang on right now.  I am very depressed and am having these stupid thoughts that I have to keep pushing down inside of my head.  Jamie told me that Amanda stopped taking her medicine and is not seeing her therapist anymore.  I hope that he didn't tell her to do this.  Do I call the doctor tomorrow and tell him that my medicine is not working for me and that I need to check myself into the hospital for inpatient treatment so that the doctors force me to take the medicine?  Or do I just keep trying to smile on the outside for my little girl, divorce my husband or file for a separation, and get out of the hell hole that I am in so that I can get back to work and be happy and maybe, just maybe one day find a companion that will make me happy, or do I just do nothing and be miserable.  I don't know what to do?  Amy I am sending you this, not to get you upset or to bother you.  I know that you are busy.  I am sending you this so that we can talk tomorrow to find out what I am going to do next.  I am not going to do anything stupid.  I just wanted to let you know that I am having thoughts because I am really really upset right now.