Well, looks like this might be irritable bowel syndrome. I hope so. I really hope so. That would help a lot. Well, not scare me as much, how about that. Yeah, it's sounding more and more likely. I guess we'll see. And hey, the boss canceled the afternoon meeting. That gives me a little more free time! And I also have some time until 11, when I want to resume some work until lunchtime. Blah hickedy blah. Workedy work work. Despite the drama, I'm feeling a little better, and I have a doctor's appointment on Friday now, so no cause for worrying until I have more reason to worry. It's kind of funny being on the other end of the drama stick; a year ago, I would have catastrophized, been convinced this was cancer, and scared myself to death. Today, I'm pretty sure that's not it, and if it is, well, I'll face it one day at a time. I'm pretty sure that's progress. Writing to Jeremy helped a lot. It didn't feel like it did last night, when I was wailing and wanting someone, anyone, to tell me I was worthy and a good person because I couldn't do it myself, but I'm feeling it today. I also finally broke down last night. I think that was finally it - I finally hit the point where I had to admit to God that I just couldn't handle any more of this. The fire, my girlfriend losing her job, basically no Christmas, Jeremy dying, Lauren dying, Junior maybe having cancer, Randy maybe having heart failure, and now me with some sort of serious health problem...it's just too much. I finally found out what true surrender means. I wouldn't say it's completely freeing, as I'm having to still do it today, but last night...yeah. That kind of did it. I don't think I have to worry about feeling so alone and forgotten if I can remember what that feels like.