Went to a birthday party for a friend last night. We had an awesome time, the kind of time we both needed right now with so much going on, but I ended up breaking my food abstinence, first by accident, then by choice once I realized what I had done. Basically, I had some mulled cider that we had brought, thinking that it was safe (100% organic, etc. etc.), then, after drinking a bit, started to question it based on the cravings I was getting. So I went to check the bottle, and sure enough, it had some added sugar. Sigh. So, since I was at a party, and even though the friends who had planned the party went out of their way to have vegetarian, gluten-free options, I figured that I had already broken my abstinence, so why not.  I'm trying not to view it as a failure. I'm trying to remember how much pain I'm in lately, not to mention the stress, and be gentle with myself. I'm frustrated with my sponsor, as he's been less than helpful of late, I'm having a lot of trouble getting in touch with myself because when I do get in touch with myself most of it is is a blast of raw powerful emotion, so I have to limit my own emotional contact to times when I'm able to handle it. Early recovery isn't much fun. I'm also having trouble with the impulse to flirt again, which I thought I had under control. Okay, no, not under control, that's a betrayal of bad thinking right there. More like...had become easier. But it hasn't.  I was also going to give a first step tonight, but bowed out because I don't think I could have handled it after everything that's happened in the last month or so. It's easy to catastrophize, to think that I'm backsliding, but I think that might be the addiction whispering in my ear. I can get back to things as I get more strength and recover from these terrible blows that have come my way. It's okay to feel them and to acknowledge that they make life more difficult. It's the fact that I keep going that makes for victory.