4 weeks today

I still can't believe he's gone.  Spoke to him on the phone and less than an hour later I pull up at my house and they are doing CPR on him.    He was so happy and healthy, and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think something like that would happen to him.  I was the one that didn't exercise and went to the doctor.  He was suppose to be the healthy one, full of life and energy.  When he would smile his whole face lit up, boy how I miss that smile.  We had some amazing talks the last 6 weeks.  Our last two kids would be graduating college this year and we would be able to travel and do all the fun stuff.  It was gonna be just me and him, we were each others best friend and confidante and now it's just me.  I was 18 went we got married and it was the best 32 years of my life.  Oh how he loved his kids and grandkids, everything we did was with our family.  The baseball games, football games, soccer games oh how he loved his sports and watching his kids play.  The night time is the hardest he used to tell me to get off the computer and come to bed at 9, boy how I wish he could tell me just one more time.  The night before he died we talked about how I would probably go first as both my parents died of cancer at 63 and 72 and his parents are in their late 70's and mid 80's.  His great grandmother was over 100.  He had the good genes not me.  I still feel angry with him like he abandoned me, even though I know deep down that he would never willing do that, right now it just feels that way.  The why's and why not me are questions I will never know the answer to.   Wondering if you can truly die of a broken heart because mine is in a million pieces.  And hoping that one day it will truly be whole again.  No one knows the pain until it happens to you and I have lost a stillborn son, and both my parents and the pain was horrible and I never would have thought that pain could be worst than that.  But the loss of my husband is 10 million times worst.  You see he was the one that comforted me and helped me through those dark times in my life and now I am on my own.  Yes, I have my kids and grandkids but you have to be strong around them and after they leave I fall to pieces.  Sorry and thanks for listening I am just having one of many nights that I feel so alone and helpless.