4 more days

lets see so its wat.....april 19th? so that means 4 more days right, 4 more till april 23. god damn i dont think i'm strong enough to deal with that day agin,  i'm so tired, i'm so ready to just give up. i cant belive its already been almost a whole year. 361 days since i found out about bp. 361 days since i was able to finaly put a name to my moms derpession, and stop blameing myself for it. i hate how adults tryed to protect me, its like they thought that if i didnt realy know what was wrong with my mom then i just wouldnt notice it or something. bull shit. i noticed plenty the only diffrence was that i was left trying to figure out why she was that way myself and i came up with all the wrong anserws. i blamed myself for years, i thought i was the reason my mommy was so sad all the time. oh yeah sure ignorence is blissBULL SHIT everythings comeing full circle, 4 more days. i'm welcoming it and dreading it at the same time. i want to both hide from and embrace april 23, its almost like i want to test myself. i want to see if i can hadle it. maybe i need to make sure the world wont explode on april 23.  idk i'm just so confused, im not even sure what im feeling right now.  all i know is that i really want my bf right now, i want to feel safe agin. i'm craving a kind of security that i'll never have. i really miss my mom