4.5.13
Yesterday I was having a really, really bad place. I wanted to die. A girl saw the cuts on my wrist, but didn't say anything like I wasn't worth saving. That made me sure they all wanted me dead. Then I texted the only friend I have outside of school saying "I hate school". I didn't think I'd get a response. I just wanted someone to have a clue as to why I killed myself when they found my dead body this morning. Within a minute I got a text back saying "oh god. What happened? Are you okay? Come over when rehearsal's over. We'll talk". It's like she knew exactly how to make me feel wanted and loved. When I got to her house, her boyfriend was there which I was happy about because I really wanted to meet him. The two of them were so helpful that even though I binged and purged I refused to let myself cut and I'm alive today because of them and they have no idea.
I started a tumblr two days ago because I was in a really bad place and saw how so many people with problems were posting images, quotes and pictures of exactly how I felt. I thought it was a perfect place to be. I like it so far. The link to my account is on my front page if you want to follow :) Every time I get a notification saying "so and so liked your post", "so and so reblogged your post" or "so and so is now following you" it makes me feel like I'm not alone, that people care about me, that people understand. Tumblr also has a message that appears on top of the page if you search something related to anxiety, self harm, depression, eating disorders of suicide that gives a link to ways for people to help those suffering from those disorders. I officially love the makers of tumblr for that.
I've decided not to cut until April 16th which is the semicolon project. I want to have the cuts on my wrist healed before then so I can draw a semicolon on my wrist and show it to anyone I want. If I do this, it's proof I can survive. I can't wait until that day. The urges are already getting really strong just from not cutting last night. When I go go to college I'm getting a semicolon tattooed on my wrist.
Every day is a struggle, but people on tumblr and people here are really helping. I have no motivation anymore and I'm just surviving, but surviving is better than dying... I hope. Literally the friend I talked about texted me a pic of her cat to cheer me up. I love her to death.
I started a tumblr two days ago because I was in a really bad place and saw how so many people with problems were posting images, quotes and pictures of exactly how I felt. I thought it was a perfect place to be. I like it so far. The link to my account is on my front page if you want to follow :) Every time I get a notification saying "so and so liked your post", "so and so reblogged your post" or "so and so is now following you" it makes me feel like I'm not alone, that people care about me, that people understand. Tumblr also has a message that appears on top of the page if you search something related to anxiety, self harm, depression, eating disorders of suicide that gives a link to ways for people to help those suffering from those disorders. I officially love the makers of tumblr for that.
I've decided not to cut until April 16th which is the semicolon project. I want to have the cuts on my wrist healed before then so I can draw a semicolon on my wrist and show it to anyone I want. If I do this, it's proof I can survive. I can't wait until that day. The urges are already getting really strong just from not cutting last night. When I go go to college I'm getting a semicolon tattooed on my wrist.
Every day is a struggle, but people on tumblr and people here are really helping. I have no motivation anymore and I'm just surviving, but surviving is better than dying... I hope. Literally the friend I talked about texted me a pic of her cat to cheer me up. I love her to death.
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