4/19/2003

Promises can never be kept.
Only the idiot believes what others tell them without question.
We are all and were idiots who wanted to believe in someone or something so badly, we ignored our inner voice.
Is that inner voice from within or some place else?

The inner voice, the inner fears, the inner thoughts never lie if we just listen.
The voice is never wrong, no matter how painful the knowledge it imparts.
Is it God or Satan?
It is something else?

When you ask another person to share their opinion of your outer appearance or your inner self, you are in essence looking for only one answer. You want that person to answer only one way. The way YOU want them to answer.

To be kind, most people will not tell the truth for fear of hurting one's feelings.
We all do it and we will continue to do it.
Everyone has that nagging evil voice that says we are not enough in every way. It plays on our fears, it makes us go to great lengths to be perfect when we know there is no such thing as perfection.

But we accept the lies as truth, we lie to ourselves but one day everyone of us has to look at ourselves and accept the truth.
The truth is ugly. I am ugly. We are all ugly.

Coming to grips with the fact that my husband no longer finds me attractive physically is nearly killing me inside.
I have always been grossly self-conscious about my appearance but I had a swagger.

Now I am getting older, very fat, and grossly ugly. This is what is supposed to happen to every human being yet I cannot get over it. I beg my husband to  lie to me even about my looks. He refuses.

I have not been hugged, cuddled, kissed, or made love to in two years and I am 45 years old. I feel like my life is over. I have nothing to live for, I wish I would die. I don't want to play anymore, I am tired and I know it just gets worse from here.

I hide myself from myself. I hide myself from the world. I only go out at night. Family and friends do not understand. I am tired of explaining myself.

Only I have to power to change my life yet my depression and laziness is overwhelming. I no longer love my family. I no longer like my friends.

My husband drinks every night which has been a problem for us since the beginning but he won't stop. So he drinks, he no longer works, we spend little time together and he no longer touches me like he used to. Low sex drive my ass. He finds me disgusting but will not admit it.

If I wasn't such a pussy, I would kill myself. I just want off this ride before I throw up.