4 1/2 months

I am scared that I am heading for a major break.  I have gone 2 weeks without crying and breaking down.  I got a part time job to help with ss.  I don't like but it is the reasonable thing to do.  I find that it is much harder to concentrate than I thought it would be.   My lawn mower has also died on me.  My son-in-law has worked on it numerous times along with other things on this farm.  I am so tired of having to budget because I don't know what will happen in the future so I went out and bought a new mower.  I will just have to worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.  I have been relying on my daughter and son-in-law so much that it is showing on them.  They don't complain at all but the stress shows.  I have lived here for 39 years and they don't want me to move.  I don't want to either but I don't know how much longer it will be reasonable to live here.  The loneliness is killing me.  Ron and I were loners.  We loved the solitude we had here.  Now it is killing me.  I work.  I go to church.  I go to my granddaughter's ball games. I go to grief consoling.   What else am I supposed to do get back into being normal!  It is just not working.  I am more truly scared now than at the beginning.