Lame
That's all I got to say.
Friday night. You leave. I don't hear from you the entire 3 hour trip to Chicago, even though I was up. Just a 50 second call when you go there? Sure you were tired.. ok that's an excuse when you got there. Ok you needed space during the drive or whatever other excuse needs to be inserted there.
Then nothing in the morning... not even a text to say you were taking off even if I wasn't awake. Fine, insert excuse there that it was early even though the plane was delayed. Then when you are taking off again after the connection it's "Take care"?? What the fuck is that? That's never been in your vocabulary and it's condescending considering who we are... remember that person that sacrificed everything for over 7 years and laid herself bare for the last couple weeks after that awful betrayal just a few weeks ago? Take Care?
Then the baggage claim. You were there TWO hours before you thought that maybe you would even want to communicate with me? Then after a less than 10 minute call, you decide you didn't really want to be on the phone, you wanted to sleep for another hour, even though you slept on the plane. When you said you had time, I was excited that it could be a real conversation, not the obligatory logistics one. I was wrong.
I get a photo of the members, I'm conversing with you, restoring the tattered remains of trying to feel like I'm in a relationship, even planning something for us, try to soothe myself by not being in the house. Then it ends. I told you I put my phone on ring if you wanted to call.. you never called. I was up until 4 AM, you never even responded that you wouldn't call or if you went to bed. I wanted so much to find out your take on the evening's events. But you didn't want to share with me, you didn't even write an email, text, call, nothing. You really are acting like you just want to be free of me 100% instead of this bullshit that you want me to feel like you are thinking of me and I'm not left out.
In fact I had to initiate contact the next morning..... at 9 AM. (7 AM there) You text some, you keep saying you'll tell me something later, but never, not an email, not a text, not a phone call. Communicating even when I'm asleep, that's what email and texting is for. Then you're gone again. Sure it's a busy day, but it did take all day for you to get me access info which I don't even understand. And then it's the free one, as if you didn't want to start with yours even if you did evenually give it to me. I would have really liked a thank you for the hard work on the dresser.
Then you act like it's nothing if I'm not able to join? Don't you want me watching? Didn't you want to share? Or did you just out of obligation? Do you care that I did everything I could and got it to work in a nick of time?
Then you give a shout out to the kids, I'm sure they thought that was cool. Does anyone even know I exist? Am I still that dirty little secret? Everyone else mentions their 'others'... oh wait. Joanna is watching. Fuck you. This is exactly what I mean about putting me in my box and telling me to stay there instead of being a normal couple who would be happy to acknowledge each other when everyone else is and it's a really big thing you're excited about. I should not have to mention it, remind you, that is one of those things that if you were for real, it would just be natural. Are you in or out? You said in, and you're not acting like it.
From 9:20 - 9:36 nothing. You said you were talking to the kids, but you could have sent a 'one sec' or busy or whatever. Even after the call, hey sorry, I was talking to the kids, now I'm going to listen to them. But instead after that you just said you are supposed to watch the others in your formal tone that reeks of resentment. Only when I tell you that's an excuse for not responding, then you say you talked to the kids, but obviously it wasn't the whole time. Hello??? You say you didn't want to leave all Champaign behind when I said you wanted to leave everything with me behind.. but your actions aren't really supporting that 100%
Then when it took swallowing the bile of anger of being ignored and put in my box I put that you did great, and you return with a sarcastic I love you too. I can see this because I didn't say it first.
And now go out, ignore me, never call me, don't even care what I'm thinking because you are just wrapped in your head and want to keep me in my box to keep from ruining your perfect time. I'm just that disease aren't I to you? Never mind the fact that ever since you left I only had one flicker of hope in some texts that you actually did want to talk to me at all. Never mind how much it hurts, how much this entire time hurts, how much I'm trying, doing your shit, trying to be ok, and you can't even include me with talking about what's going on in an email if not via phone, FaceTime, text, whatever!
I really want you to enjoy and benefit from this time. I really wish it didn't have to be that you have to blockade me and keep me in a box to do it. That is what I said I cannot have, and I have no way now to even communicate that to you because you won't find the time to communicate, make room for me, instead you keep a running list of excuses however they might be true.
Friday night. You leave. I don't hear from you the entire 3 hour trip to Chicago, even though I was up. Just a 50 second call when you go there? Sure you were tired.. ok that's an excuse when you got there. Ok you needed space during the drive or whatever other excuse needs to be inserted there.
Then nothing in the morning... not even a text to say you were taking off even if I wasn't awake. Fine, insert excuse there that it was early even though the plane was delayed. Then when you are taking off again after the connection it's "Take care"?? What the fuck is that? That's never been in your vocabulary and it's condescending considering who we are... remember that person that sacrificed everything for over 7 years and laid herself bare for the last couple weeks after that awful betrayal just a few weeks ago? Take Care?
Then the baggage claim. You were there TWO hours before you thought that maybe you would even want to communicate with me? Then after a less than 10 minute call, you decide you didn't really want to be on the phone, you wanted to sleep for another hour, even though you slept on the plane. When you said you had time, I was excited that it could be a real conversation, not the obligatory logistics one. I was wrong.
I get a photo of the members, I'm conversing with you, restoring the tattered remains of trying to feel like I'm in a relationship, even planning something for us, try to soothe myself by not being in the house. Then it ends. I told you I put my phone on ring if you wanted to call.. you never called. I was up until 4 AM, you never even responded that you wouldn't call or if you went to bed. I wanted so much to find out your take on the evening's events. But you didn't want to share with me, you didn't even write an email, text, call, nothing. You really are acting like you just want to be free of me 100% instead of this bullshit that you want me to feel like you are thinking of me and I'm not left out.
In fact I had to initiate contact the next morning..... at 9 AM. (7 AM there) You text some, you keep saying you'll tell me something later, but never, not an email, not a text, not a phone call. Communicating even when I'm asleep, that's what email and texting is for. Then you're gone again. Sure it's a busy day, but it did take all day for you to get me access info which I don't even understand. And then it's the free one, as if you didn't want to start with yours even if you did evenually give it to me. I would have really liked a thank you for the hard work on the dresser.
Then you act like it's nothing if I'm not able to join? Don't you want me watching? Didn't you want to share? Or did you just out of obligation? Do you care that I did everything I could and got it to work in a nick of time?
Then you give a shout out to the kids, I'm sure they thought that was cool. Does anyone even know I exist? Am I still that dirty little secret? Everyone else mentions their 'others'... oh wait. Joanna is watching. Fuck you. This is exactly what I mean about putting me in my box and telling me to stay there instead of being a normal couple who would be happy to acknowledge each other when everyone else is and it's a really big thing you're excited about. I should not have to mention it, remind you, that is one of those things that if you were for real, it would just be natural. Are you in or out? You said in, and you're not acting like it.
From 9:20 - 9:36 nothing. You said you were talking to the kids, but you could have sent a 'one sec' or busy or whatever. Even after the call, hey sorry, I was talking to the kids, now I'm going to listen to them. But instead after that you just said you are supposed to watch the others in your formal tone that reeks of resentment. Only when I tell you that's an excuse for not responding, then you say you talked to the kids, but obviously it wasn't the whole time. Hello??? You say you didn't want to leave all Champaign behind when I said you wanted to leave everything with me behind.. but your actions aren't really supporting that 100%
Then when it took swallowing the bile of anger of being ignored and put in my box I put that you did great, and you return with a sarcastic I love you too. I can see this because I didn't say it first.
And now go out, ignore me, never call me, don't even care what I'm thinking because you are just wrapped in your head and want to keep me in my box to keep from ruining your perfect time. I'm just that disease aren't I to you? Never mind the fact that ever since you left I only had one flicker of hope in some texts that you actually did want to talk to me at all. Never mind how much it hurts, how much this entire time hurts, how much I'm trying, doing your shit, trying to be ok, and you can't even include me with talking about what's going on in an email if not via phone, FaceTime, text, whatever!
I really want you to enjoy and benefit from this time. I really wish it didn't have to be that you have to blockade me and keep me in a box to do it. That is what I said I cannot have, and I have no way now to even communicate that to you because you won't find the time to communicate, make room for me, instead you keep a running list of excuses however they might be true.
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