What child says she is taking away all the mother's day gifts because the mother didn't earn them? I've been crying on and off for 2 hours since I woke up and she has already started in. Complaining about everything, saying she doesn't like blueberry pancakes when they are her favorite, saying she'll refuse to eat so she can just have candy and honey. 
 
The knife twists deeper and deeper in my chest and I can't breathe, I shake and cry for brief periods, I overwhelmingly can't do it anymore. The bf is ambivalent, I want to scream how cruel it is to see this situation and to create limbo, neither 100% in or out... after all these years. I'm hungry, but I can't eat, food tastes like cardboard and just feel like throwing up. She was never supposed to have been created, and now with a real psychopath father, an abused mother who is permanent scarred, and a doubtful diagnosis that she will ever be happy, you find yourself asking again and again... at what point do you want to correct these mistakes and just remove the two of us from the equation? 
Numbness is so much better than this, you can just float until it's over and then when you grieve the destruction later, at least you won't have to live through the horror of the knives that penetrate the open wounds without relief on top of that grief.