I am moving things that I have written in the past over here to consolidate.

Monday, July 30, 2007

many months later
Current mood: rejected

I never have been into this whole blog thing, heck I can't even keep a diary, but since there is no one to talk to, to bitch to, well this will have to substitute. My husband and I have been in counseling now for 8 months. All that has been accomplished is that I am getting more and more confortable with the fact that someday we probably will not be together. Is is too much to ask for a husband to pick up the slack every now and then? to dress a child? to make dinner? to remember to spend time with me, to want to? The only things he does unbidden are a couple things like dishes at night (only if I unload in the morning) and straiten the living room. I should be glad for even that, but hey, he is acting like it is the best hing in the world adn that he does everything, and in reality, he doesn't know shit. I have recently admitted to myself that I have indeed been abused (liberal use of the term) sexually, physically, and emotionally. Sexually, he emotionally blackmails, exhorts, whatever, me into having sex with him. I was literally crying the last time he was touching me. I hate him to be near me and he is always saying, I 'll do this for a kiss, or we never have sex, or what is wrong with you, you never feel like it anymore etc.. Truth is I don't love him, and therefore I cannot ever begin to think about sex without revulsion, even with myself, because of the way he has treated it. The first time I tried to refuse him sex he told me that we might as well not be married because I was not acting married and I was denying him his right. A few months laters, or even more time, I would try again, more desperate, more depressed and with less self esteem and he would have sex anyways saying that I enjoyed it and that I shouldn't come to bed in my underwear or that he liked me and he couldn't help it. It seemed that everytime his dick decided to get it up I had to submit. Whatever happened to taking care of it himself???? This has not stopped. I managed to get about 4 months without sex (starting a month before I gave birth). Now I am scared, I hate sex, sex drive seems perverse. More recently he has done hand jobs in front of me even when he knows I don't want him to he presses his dick into me and I cringe to know what is to come. I feel like fighting back is fruitless. I feel like salvaging anything fom this relationship is worthless. Yet, for my child that I was forced to have on threat of my life, I am stuck, I want her to have a better life.

Physically, this has not been an issue lately, but it still affects me deeply. No, he never purposely hit me, but just like sex is more than intercourse, physical abuse is more that getting slammed around. The most popular thing that he would try to do is restrain me by laying, sitting on me, by bear hugging me, using wrestling moves to get me to the ground. The more I fought back and screamed the more he went after me. A month before our wedding he pounced on me just because I told him I didn't know why I was marrying him. To this day he claims he was trying to keep me from hurting myself. That all of this was for my own good. He has also said that he never gave much thought to the threat of suicide until I grabbed a box of knives from the kitchen three week AFTER we were married. He just justifies this in his own head and blames me for any of this occuring. He is of mind that it was my fault. How can anyone deserve this? Then the more passive restraint, blocking my exit, taking my keys, cornering me, following me around refusing to let me be by myself. Yelling at me the whole time. Hurlign insults, then going into maryterdom mode that he is so good and I am doing this to him, and that I am the bad one there. What could I do but block it out, cry, or crouch defensivly either figuratively or not.

Emotionally, where do I begin? There is so much I could not possibly cover any scope throughly. Besides lack of support, besides ridicule, besides putting no effort forth for the relationship, he also attacks me as a mother, saying he will never let me take Lydia and that he is waiting for me to leave. He tells me what a terrible mother I am and refuses to leave her with me sometimes because he fears I will harm her somehow. He constantly attacks my decisions as little as  letting her run barefoot in the grass. He constantly lets me know how he disapproves of me and what he thinks I should be doing. So what I am still doing here? Parenthood and finances. Being a mom is a funny thing. No matter how much you hated the pregnancy, and the child at first, you are eventually won over whether you like it or not. And then they are the very essence of your being no matter what someone might do to try to avoid it. I love her with all my heart and I want to save her from our marriage, from us, but without a job, for the time being, any move I make now will be away from my daughter and I am physically incapable of doing that. Call me weak if you want, but if you have kids I doubt you will.

So I ask again, is it too much to ask for the husband to actually take some intiative in relationship repair?

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Thursday, November 09, 2006

bad to worse

Yes, it is worse, I hate him, I have absolutely no love for him, he has beaten it out of me. When I say beaten I mean literally from holding me down, but criticizing, from emotional abuse, from constant verbal battles. He threatens to take my daughter away becuase he says there is something wrong with me, he couldn't be more wrong. He has no idea how to be a person, to have a marriage, to have a family and yet he is telling me what to do. I am at the most stressful time of my life, and he claims all I do is to work to get away from him, well, now it has become that. Although when I am working, that is not what I think. What I think is that I want to be good, make myself better becuase God knows I am not going to get any satisfaction from that bitch. I only use the mantra of getting away when I am too depressed to work in order to motivate myself to start working again or to get up in the morning. And yes, he caught me at a weak moment, a week ago or so, he woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex. The worse part was that he was sexually assalting, touching me before I woke up and I was drowsy, so I gave in. If that wasn't bad enough he did the same thing a couple nights later. Last night I explicitly told him no, moved his hands away from me at least three seperate times and he still got on top of me. Now of course, he is arguing and in general acting like an asshole. He is planning to take my daughter away from me, he is trying to poision her mind against me, he attacks me every chance he gets. I fucking hate him and I can't do anything about it.

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Monday, October 16, 2006

"Sigh"
Current mood: cold

Nothing has changed, don't worry, I am still a coward and still stuck in a marriage I couldn't care less about right now. What is worse is that he still tries to touch me, to approach me, to beg for sex. Again, it is the last thing that I could ever want. I cleaned some of the filth that we live in, but just as quickly it will return to its former state because no one but I would dare maintain this hell-hole and why then should I? I could go on and on about life not being fair, but in reality that is true for anyone. What is the point? I used to reason what was the point of anything if eventually by God or by nature the earth would be destroyed anyways? My counslor more or less ditched me. Three sessions and while he said I could come back, he did not encourage me to make another appointment. So, I didn't Where do I stand now? To have any, and I mean any hope of staying in this marriage, counseling will be a must, if anything as a precursor to divorce. It doesn't help that the counslor wanted to put me, well ok, wondered if we couldnt attack more aggresively and put me on drugs. I told him no. But what do I know?

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

here we go again
Current mood: sad

Just when you think that you can survive it happens again. You are blissfully  trying to live your own life which includes your child and only necessarily at times your spouse and then all the sudden you are accused of horrid things the least of which is complaining constantly, trying to turn the child against the other parent, or even just plain being yelled at for no particular reason. When trying to explain the reason we must leave at 7:50 and not 8:05 all that happens is getting attacked, and therefore anything that I have said has become nul and void. Why talk then? What is the point? I am barely hanging on, only surviving by the thought that when I get my degree and certification I can get a real job and then support my child and myself if need be. Then, there is the jealousy of anyone who is free, who can just run off for a weekend, who can live overseas for a year. I am almost bitter that I was tricked into giving up any opportunity at studying abroad. Why? I don't know, but now I must go on, I must continue my job because I have no other choice. 

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Let's see how this goes
Current mood: depressed

Ok, so you know you have reached your end, and yet you still have to keep going. You know everything in your life is hell, except perhaps for the things that conflict with everything else in your life. Me? I am on the brink of deciding to get divorced, I am in graduate school, I am stuck in a marriage because of money, but I have been only married a little over two years. I have a child who is great, but was the last thing I wanted when it happened. I haven't had sex in over two months, I haven't had good sex in over a year. In fact I most of the time just feel used. I dread it in fact, opting for the quick hand job to get it over with for another few weeks. I dread coming home and the only things that I can count on enjoying is my work and sometimes my daughter. Of course I am torn apart by my husband for working and for anything I try to do. So has it become escape? I guess so. I started to see a counseler. Only been there twice, but i am already feeling like it is a waste of time. Beside the counslor is a male, which doesn't help things because I have given up on most male species. I mean after all, being held down because he is "afraid of what I would do" or refusing to leave, or blocking my exit from a room doesn't give me a cheery picture. Not to mention the verbal abuse. No one loves to hear that "you're messed up" and that " I am glad you are at work because I don't want [daughter] to be around you" and the infamous b word a few times. Of course, I claim no complete innocence, but I do claim that I did not initiate such battling. He stopped just short of threatening to take my daughter away. Of course all when I had to teach within the half hour. I was hyperventilating in my office and I had to call my mother to force myself to calm down. Crying doesn't help, in fact it makes things worse. Talking long since has not helped. I tried to lay good ground work but my ideas were deemed useless  and ignored. As a result we are trash, our house is trash and I cannot wait to be able to have the freedom to divorce if I can.  with these awful depressing notes i bid adieu.