I was cut off on my earlier post today by my husband waking up, but I have a chance to continue now. I am very seriously considering some kind of seperation, the depression is hitting hard, I am very sluggish, and talking talks a lot of effort, I feel a buzzing in my head and I don't want to eat because I feel naseous and hungry. Yet, I am doing laundry, cleaning out my closet, slowly, painfully, throwing away things I don't need getting rid of things that remind me of the honeymoon, of anything that would cause pain. Yesterday, I was saying that my husband unprovoked started to yell at me about how he is a single parent and how I do nothing. That of course is bulls***. And I said so, in front of my daughter. I am not proud of it, but I am tired, exhausted, tired of trying, of being kicked around, of being afraid to feel anything. To get away I went into the back area of the house and curled up sitting in the corner, crying, silently, this time was different. There was a time I sat in that same corner hysterical, because he kept following me yelling, yelling, I was in my third trimester, all this because I refused to do his laundry anymore, housechore disputes, once again. He accused me then of doing nothing, of course which was not true. I cried that time for about an hour, I don't remember well what happened after that, but I think I finally just went to bed. This time, just like that time, I eventually went to the bedroom, but not after swallowing more than a dozen (lost track) of 200 mg. ibuprofen. I felt a little woozy, perhaps a little high (although I don't know what that really feels like) and I just wanted to pass out, to be taken to the hospital, something to get away. I finally went to the bedroom, I took at least 5 more there, although my logic started to come in and I went on the Internet to look up some information on ibuprofen overdose. I found that I was just going to damage my liver and nothing was going to come of it, not even fainting, so I stopped and went to sleep. 4 hours total. I don't abuse substances and this is the first time anything like this has ever happened. But I feel, well, almost less limited now, like some more inhibitions are gone, almost a little release. I really just don't care anymore. That night we had several people in the house for a customary dinner we make together, and I put on the usual outside self. Afterwards, one of the people invited me to a wine and chocolate party, so I went. Still feeling like, I don't know, it is like the feeling you have when you just want to pass the control of your body over to music, to absorb, become one with something else, to lose control. I had maybe one glass of wine total (generally I hate wine) plus lots of calories in chocolate and other goodies. It was really nice seeing some friends again and because of the state I was in and wine, I actually had a decent time. I got home before midnight (ever the responsible person) and couldn't sleep until after 130, although I sure tried and could not find the strength to get up. My husband was irritating me with awful questions telling me I needed to go to counseling, asking me if I was thinking about suicide and if I had tried anything. It may sound like he was concerned, he even tried to throw the "I love you no matter what" and the "I am so worried about you" etc.. and any other person, I would have believed. But this one, him, I know better. He will say that one night, and then use whatever knowledge I give him against me at a later date. Not to mention he already has too much in the event of a divorce. He wants to 'fix' me, but he wants nothing to do with who I actually am. The only reason he is concerned is because it is intruding on his life. After all, he doesn't get sex if I am depressed. So, taken in pieces, perhaps I could see something worth saving, but looking at the whole picture, I realize I have wasted 8 long years.