It's wierd, I have had some energy this weekend, I was productive in grading, I cleaned, even moved some clutter from the kitchen, although I don't know, sometimes I think I am obssessive because I have to clean as much as I can, including the corners, stove knobs, but I usually only feel depressed afterwards because for as much work as I put in, it doesn't seem to ever make a dent. Not to mention, I see my husband doing NOTHING to maintain cleanliness in the house. He just walks around the toys and never shows our daughter how to clean up after herself. We got in a couple fights today, but today was better. Last night I couldn't sleep because I had so many thoughts going through my head and it was one of those nights that no matter how tired you are, you still can't sleep. Wierd, some day I fall asleep at 6, others not till 12. Of course my husband had NO appreciation that I got up at 7 after staying up late to try to do work so that I could do less when my daughter was up. He just tried to get me to watch her so he could sleep more (after at least 8 hours of sleep himself). So of course there was a fight about that. Then, he sits on the computer all day, great role model for raising an active kid. He claims he does work, but in the past I have not been able to trust that because I see him waste hours on the news.  So I am angry, very very angry, and there seems that there is nothing that I can do about it. My hands are tied because of my mistakes and his attitude and actions. I feel like I want to go back into counseling, but that is 200$ a month easy, even with insurance, not to mention he wants to go back to marriage counseling, but I tried that for 9 months!! It went NOWHERE! If anything the tone had changed so that it seemed that they (the counsler and my husband) were trying to point out what was wrong with me, instead of looking at the marriage! He has blatently told me that he things something is wrong with me, that he doesn't want our daughter to grow up like me, that he doesn't love me, and then he turns around and denys it all, telling me that I am crazy and acts like I invented this stuff! He asks me to cite times and 'back up' everything I say, it's like an interrogation! Looking back then, he has never accepted anything from me, but instead has always treated it as something that is lesser than his thoughts and ideals. I wish I could just rewind 8 years.