I am not sure what I am supposed to write, and I joined a couple weeks ago and only now have been able to get to a computer. It is difficult not only for time, but also because I don't want my husband to use this against me. Therefore, I have to write during times that he cannot know what I am doing, when my daughter is occupied, and when the lesson plans are done for the next day. I started back to school today, some classes were good, others were awful. It is tough talking at people who never listen and then complain when they are not learning something. I am worried about getting invited back next year and my deepening dislike towards several students as well since as a professional, I need to not take this personally. The hopelessness doesn't help. My marriage, well, my husband managed to get a fight in before I left. I am tense whenever he is around and knowing that I am not at home and I cannot change anything when he is around sucks. He is taking down the Christmas tree today, and I refuse to help. We had a huge fight before getting that tree and it has only marked painful memories and I have refused to pick it out, decorate for the most part, or have any part in maintaining or lighting it. Quite frankly, I think my husband was happier not having me as a part of it but he feels like he has to put up appearances by trying to insist that I participate. Spiritually, I am bankrupt. I want to get back in touch, but again going back only seems to be painful. First, because when I left institutionalized religion 7 years ago, one of the factors was the deep betrayal I had suffered from some of the members. Second, because I feel like that if I had truely followed my religion I wouldn't have married my husband anyways and if I go back I have to follow through with the divorce, or go through painful fights with my husband about taking our daughter to church and in general striking out on my own knowing full well how he disapproves and will show it at every chance he gets seriously undermining my efforts and the benefits my daughter could get from religion. In addition, I would have to go through disappointing relationships with other people and put a lot of effort into a community I dont know if I will be in in a couple years and the chance of getting back what I put in is slim.  Mentally, I barely have the strength to get through day to day. Battling the constant onslaught of negative messages from my students, my parents, and not knowing in the least if administration wants me to stay, or even how I compare to other beginning teachers has me putting over 60 hours a week into an uncertain job where I receive no affirmation or encouragement and I don't know if I even deserve it. At home my husband has done a great job at trying to show how what he thinks is the way to go and anything that I think needs to be interrogated and probed for its weaknesses and subsequently discreditted. This is anything from car maintence to how to raise our daughter. Sexually, I am as confused as ever. Now that I am off Effexor, I actually can have an orgasm, but usually only when I am with myself. I dread contact with my husband and usually cringe and tense up considerably whenever he tries to come near me. I refuse to kiss him as it makes me feel, well, naseous. I am put off by him in the least and afraid of his advances in the worst. In addition, I have 'feelings' for one of my best friends that I don't talk to a lot. I have fantasized about women and will reach climax faster doing this than fantasizing about men. When on the rare occasions I do see my good friend (once every 6 months or so) I find myself looking for any signal that I could advance on those feelings even though I never would. I cannot destroy our friendship.  After coming home from school I was a little tired, so I read the newspaper and cleaned a tiny bit. I laid down with my computer and was intending to do a little work, but was tired after I laid down and my husband came home unexpectedly early. I felt the bottom go out and I couldn't bring myself to get up, so I fell asleep. My husband woke me up to eat pasta and red sauce (Just thinking about it gives me acid reflux). I tried it without complaining, but couldn't stand more than a couple bites. My daughter cried through most of the dinner and I didn't have the will to do anything about it and found myself distancing her and getting really angry. I made toast and took it in the other room to play a computer game and zone out temporarily. I just feel like crying, I hate my inability to do well in any aspect of my life. At least a year ago my daughter liked me. But again, I had time for her and breastfed her then. I don't want to quit work because school and feeling professional has been one of the only things that has helped me develop self worth (notedly one of the things my husband is not involved with whatsoever) I have no sense that this is worth it. My daughter has bailed on me, even though she can't possibly understand what she is doing or has done, my job sucks and I am not doing very well at it, my marriage is killing me slowly and any other avenue of life is shut out. I don't have the energy to think or even write these journals normally, much less try to help myself. Such is life.