I really fucked up and got fucked up last night. i came home and was so very lonely. Fed the dogs gave them both a big hug and a good petting. My poor Spot boy always gets so excited to see me, but then he is right over at the window seeing if his daddy is behind me. It makes me so sad to see his face when he realizes its just me. I sat down when I came home an e-mailed my mother in law a long, long. long letter. Just telling her everything I was feeling and going though. In the mean time the boy from down the street called and came over. He was the one that found my husband after he had passed away. We sat up talking, crying and drinking until 6 this morning. Of course i called in sick from work. Lied to them and told them I had a water line for my sprinkler system freeze up and broke. I hate to do that, but no one wants to hear that I am having a good or bad day, and honestly I am sick of telling people I'm having a bad day. No one wants to hear it. Their lives haven't changed. I keep fighting this cloud over my shoulder. Its not so bad during the day, but at night its bad. Going to bed by myself, just walking up that stairs really awakens me to the truth that I am all alone. Its not a fucking dream I am going to wake up from. I feel worse now they I did weeks ago. i guess the shock has worn off and the emotions are rnning rampit. All the what if's, what if I would have been here, what if I would have really insisted that he go to the doctors office. What if, what if, what if................Anyway I got just shitfaced last night. I asked the boy if he would mind just laying down with me for awhle. He said no problem, but when I woke up 4 hours later he was gone. Shit I am like old enough to be his mother, how gross huh? He must have climbed out the doggie door, otherwise he would have set the alarm off. I don't know why he didn't wake me. I suppose he went home to bed after I feel asleep. But I just wanted to fell a warm body next to me. i must have really been out cold, because the phone had rung 4 times and I never heard it. I have been hung over all day. I did manage to make all my reservations to PA on Sunday, the plane, limo, hotel, and even managed to pay a few bills.Its the mailbox that now has a whole new meaning to me. I talked to the post office, but since some things were in both of our names I can't just have them not deliever. Instead I have to write decesed on all the mail. It just takes a piece of my heart everytime. I normally wait until my grand daughter comes over and have her go get it for me. I know I have a check for $7000 sitting in that box, but I just can't go there. I will have to wait until Thursday when she comes over.I went and bought my last pack of cigarettes and a box of Nicoderrm patches. To morrow ids the day. Its time to quit. I no longer have any excuses. I have quit before, but it was hell when I came home and my husband was smoking. Now the excuse is gone, no one to blame but myself.