hell

Hi, still in hell here.  Waiting ....for something to happen, hoping I can have hope.  I'm writing a book, not reading a book.  I want to help people, I need to help people.  I have to know that something good will come of this nightmare i live in.  I have so many secrets I don't know where to begin.  My teeth are better at least.  I hope this ends soon.  Next friday is our first pre trial, I hope we make it.  usually one attorney or the other continue because of conflicting schedules.  I hope he changes his plea to GUILTY and spares us the hell of court.  I wish things were so different.  I have no joy.  I walk through all of this with nothing inside but deep sorrow.  It's nothing like I've ever felt before.  I still dream of him.  Sometimes we're still together and I wake up and wonder if i want him still or if that was a nightmare or....... I'm so ashamed I dream of him.  Someday I hope I am someone different than who I am today.