My Story

We go to Court next Friday 2/15th - - I had thought about reading this out loud to all in the Court room. After completion, I thought it was best to just post it here.

My Story

14 years, 8 months and 18 days ago, I stood in front of this very Court House and handed my heart over to John for safe keeping for what I thought would be the rest of my life. Even against all the warnings from people who knew him and knew what he was capable of doing, including his very own sister who begged me not to marry him. Her words to me right before the ceremony, Are you sure you want to do this. You can still walk away. She knew what her brother was capable of and she knew our marriage would never survive. Me, I had something to prove. I just knew in my heart that we would rise above and show them all that against all their warnings, we loved each other enough to raise our children together, enjoy our grandkids, stand by each other and help each other thru the darkest of times, confide in each other, lean on each other and depend on each other to the end. Never in a million years did I ever think that I would be standing inside the same Court House saying good bye and ending my marriage.
Thru the years, we welcomed into our home, not only my ex (father of my 1st born child) and Johns best friend while growing up but also Johns children from his previous marriage and children born out of wedlock, a mutual friend and some not so mutual friends when they had no other place to go. I thought to myself, he was the perfect husband, friend, brother, son etc. What I learned was everyone served a purpose in his life. They either provided validation of his self-worth or provided him extra income for his own personal needs.
We had fun. We enjoyed Nascar Racing, we enjoyed boating, we enjoyed entertaining our friends, and we even enjoyed each other on occasion. Then October 2007, during one of Johns notorious birthday bond fire parties. I noticed something wasnt right. He was talking to another woman, with his hand on her thigh. He was talking to her the way he talked to me when we first started dating. Telling her all about his Dorsey Speedway racing days and he was boasting about his accomplishments. The party wound down early that night. I went in the house to clean up while he sat at the bond fire alone drinking. About 3am I realized he was still out there and the fire was almost out. So I went out to see if he was okay and noticed that he was passed out. I gently nudge him and said, Come on, lets go in. He drunkenly picked up his head and said its over were done. I look back now and realize that was the true beginning of our end. We struggled. Me begging for attention - - him refusing to accept me. He was running around at bars sometimes not coming home until 2 or 3 am. I tried to hold the marriage together. I did things that I normally would not do just to satisfy him. Then came the fateful night where he was arrested and charged with assault. He realized he needed me. I was his crutch, his support. He needed me to help him thru the trial. A few months after the trial was over, he went right back to his previous ways. He started running around to different bars again, not coming home until 2 or 3 am. Not answering his cell phone, yelling at me and picking fights over the smallest of things.
When I finally realized that all my attempts had failed, I decided to move out. I found an apartment and started packing my things. I was moving in July 1st, 2010, however, 2 weeks before I was to move. He called me home from work early and begged me to stay. In tears while laying his head in my lap, he stated that he loved me and promised to work on our marriage. Because I love him and wanted my marriage to work, I offered to give it one year. Things did change for about 6 months. Then the vicious circle of derogatory comments and abandonment started all over again. This time, I readied myself knowing I was preparing to leave for good.
I didnt quite realize or understand the scope of Johns insecurities and selfishness until after I finally moved out had a chance to sit back and reflect on the past and witness the present. When I first learned about his girlfriend Donna, I was bound and determined to learn everything I could about the woman who eventually claimed my husbands heart. Who she was, where did they meet, how long had they known each other etc.? My mission truly began when I found her severely scorned soon to be ex-husband. Thru hours and hours of conversations, we pieced together the when, the where and the how. We learned that Donna had not only planned and followed thru with her marriage to him. She did so, while having an affair with my husband. When my separation was confirmed and I was in the process of moving into my own place, she threw her husband of only 4 months out of the house they were renting and 3 days later, moved my husband and step son in. As a couple just learning to live together, they struggled, butting heads for several months. Each (Donna /John) wanted control, but neither had any. They began their relationship by being unfaithful to their current spouses, therefore, trust was a huge issue.
Then the day came and they moved from her rented house, into my house that I still own with my husband. They attempted to live in my house as a happy little family (John, Donna - her 3 children Johns son and his girlfriend), quite a houseful.
My emotions spiraled. Not knowing who this woman is - - but knowing she had the audacity to move into another womans house and take over like it was her own, crushed and destroyed my faith in people. I certainly wondered about her consideration and compassion towards other people and if she was just as insecure and selfish as John? I struggled, spiraling downwards in self pity for months.
Then the day came when I received the call, they broke up, there was a fight, there are holes in the walls, the police were called. She was gone. Upon arrival to console my soon to be ex-husband, the stench of poorly cared for dogs, trash piled up outside, a filthy refrigerator and the smell of cigarette smoke just turned my stomach. He (my soon to be ex) was in total despair. He didnt know which way to turn. He shook uncontrollably. His eyes were red and swollen from crying. He had lost everything and he was all alone. He had finally felt the pain of loving someone so hard and just to have his heart crushed in an instant.
Here he was again, back in my life. This time, turning to me for comfort? Yup, it was me who he talked to morning, noon and night. It was me who he cried to when he missed her, when he realized he had screwed up, when he didnt want to be alive and wished he were dead. It was me who he called to say he had a good day or bad. It was me he told the story to of a woman who walked up to him while he sat at a bar - she put her hand on his shoulder, told him that he was going thru a divorce or bad breakup (both in this case) and that in 6 months everything would be okay. It was me he was turning to for support and comfort. I was so worried that I made myself readily available. My daughter and I started spending more time with him. Eating dinner with him and just visiting to check on him every so often just so he didnt feel all alone. He told me things that no man should ever tell a soon to be ex-wife about the current ex-girlfriend. He showed me text messages and personal videos from her that no man should ever show another woman. I was his crutch again. The one he had always turned to when things went wrong. The one, who was always there for him and helped him, took care of him. And then I received the text messages from him you want to try out the new bed, and you havent had any in a year? He was lonely and scared of being alone. He wanted someone, didnt matter who, just someone. I finally realized that I didnt need him anymore. I didnt desire his touch, his warm breath against my cheek as a reminder of the nasty accusations of lying and cheating or derogatory comments, your fat, your ugly, Im ashamed to be seen in public with you. I finally realized that it was his insecurities that made him feel the need to degrade me and it was my strength to say no and move on.
They are back together, living at his mothers house. Who knows if they are happy? What I do know, none of his children want to be around him. Especially as long as he is with her! His children hope that one day they can have a relationship with their father and they hope he realizes this before it is too late.
As for me, I am finally happy. I am strong enough to stand on my own and I can decide whether I want to have a relationship or not. The choice is all mine. I also know that when I am ready, it will be all or nothing. I will never settle. He will respect me, protect me, unconditionally love me, and accept me. He will make me laugh, hold me when I cry, treat me with compassion, be passionate and at times spontaneous. He will be polite, honest and loyal. He will be my best friend (the person I cant wait to talk to in the morning and last person I want to talk to at night). The person I want to tell all my dark deep secrets to and know he will take them to his grave. Someone I can dream with and who will possibly help me fill some of my dreams. He should be able to who enjoy and relish the small things in life and want to share them with me. He should be willing to help me fulfill my bucket list, whether he joins in or just supports me. He will be the rest of my life partner/best friend/lover.
February 15th, 2013, represents the closure of my past existence and the beginning of my New and Exciting Life.