I didn't sleep last night. It was not so much a night of pain, as it was one of reflection. It is still surreal that my daughter is gone. I don't want to just remember my daughter, I want to honor her. How can I assist in helping young women get regular checkups? How can I help other caretakers that are on the path I have completed? How can I give comfort to those that are in so much pain from their loss? I was always the strong one, even as a child, even though I am the youngest in my family. I was the peacemaker when there was conflict, the strong one in times of chaos. I had the same role with my ex-wife and my daughter, and with my daughter and my granddaughter. I don't feel so strong now. I don't know what I can offer. Maybe I'm still trying to be strong and be the comforting one, when what I need is to let go and be comforted. This forum has certainly been a great comfort to me, but I still feel a need to reach out and give comfort to others. This forum is difficult for me. On the one hand, it is extremely helpful to hear from others and to receive their encouragement and comfort. But, it is so heartbreaking to read the stories of others and feel the pain they are going through. My prayer is that the membership is frozen, and there are no new members that are faced with the grief we share. I know that is not realistic, and I thank God there is a place for those in pain to come to and get help. Maybe a most realistic prayer is for the Friends and Familes of Cancer Patients forum to no longer have a need for new members.