Why?

I haven't written in here in so long... I don't even know why I am now. Nothing seems to help. I tried meds even though I avoided them most of my life. nothing stops this awful crippling anxiety I am experiencing now. 
 
I fought so hard through everything and so much abuse, from the day I was born... 
 
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm worn out... my reserves are gone...