Stuck

it seems im stuck in this circle, i just want it to end, but not in a bad way.
i know this sounds crazy given my past pathological relationships. but i know austin, i know he loves me, i know he cares. i just dont know why he rebels against taking steps that would make us a happy family. im worried about him. he is gaining weight. alot. i tried to say something, but when i do i feel like he will get mad at me for doing so. im worried. im going to have to watch him have a heart attack, or diabetes, which his mom was diognosed with already. he says he feels fine, but that could change at anytime, and i know that. i feel like im not worth it. i feel like im not worth him wanting to do things for. he thinks that the simple act of coming home and giving me a hug or kiss is showing me how much he cares, or watching my daughter.  He says its cause our work schedules are opposite. but its simple things. he doesnt even see them. like offer to make dinner once in a while, talk to me, face to face, without being on the computer. yes, i am biased towards the compter, because he has spent so much time in the past on it. but ask me how im doing. make plans together, plan for a vacation. something. anything. not this day by day drag of waiting and hoping he will understand, knowing there is nothing i can do to make him understand. he thinks things are going back to the way they were, and thinks its me. its not me now... ive been polite to him, ive been nice too him. ive stopped the things that he didnt like. and i have been busy with school and working out and all kinds of things. im putting in the work to make us a better life, and trying not to worry about the future and just let it come.i wish he would just tell me what he needs from me, like i do from him. but he gets so angry at me. i feel like he is trying to punish me, by gaining weight and refusing to say we are together, i understand he doesnt want to be jealous and wants to get over what happened, i respect that, but at the same time i think he is holding on to it and punishing me. trying to force me to accept him even if he gains more weight and was worse than he was before, that he can do whatever he wants and i have to accept it because of what i did. i dont even know how to word it properly. im just confused, and i should be able to talk to him, but he doesnt want to talk to me. if he decides tomarrow to leave, i have no where to go, i would have to quit school... i cant do it on my own right now, and right now is my only chance, if i dont keep my grades up, then i will lose my financial aid. i know im freaking out a little more, im probably gettting close to my period, but i really feel agitated right now and worried.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Sounds like you\'re doing all the rowing of the boat you two are in (relationship wise), Dracona . . . . you can\'t live like this forever. Know he isn\'t going to change. Figure out a way to get through school and pray like you\'ve never prayed before for God to show you step by step how to be whole and free from one who won\'t help you row.
mariosa
mariosa

I think it\'s been ages since you have been unhappy with this person.

Maybe hes financially supportive but remember that loads of people do well as single parents.
Dracona
Dracona

thanks guys.
Its not that i think i cant do it alone, i know i can. when we broke up broke up, i missed him so much. I just wish he would see and let go. im not trying to change him, i just want him to do what he says. and its hard, because when he doesnt, i take it as a hit on me, because well, you know, we have been in some bad relationships with liars and cheaters and abusers, its hard to have patience, and im at that age where im still young, but i know i wont be, and i want another baby sometime in the next few years. hell, im just repeating myself, over and over again...
but whatever will happen, its not time for it to happen yet and im being impatient. i just hope it happens the way i would like to imagine it.