WTF
I dont know whats goin on with me lately. i think it might be my birth control i just started taking. but i even called into work today, because of how i feel emotionally. Ive never done that. but i didnt feel stable, or that i could handle the everyday mumbo jumbo of disgruntled customers and gamblers. i was worried that someone or something would set me off, and then i would lose my job for sure.
our new place we moved to, isnt the greatest as we had thought, seems we have a knack for finding wierd neighbors who happen to be the landlords, who are loud and inconsiderate, so as much as i would like to stay here for a while, be here and not worry, im not sure how long things will work. but i am hopeful that things will even out and we can all be ok. i hope i can get off my ass and get to college... im so tired of my job. why cant i just be happy? it scares me... will nothing ever be good enough for me? will i be one of those people who will forever be searching for something better, but never to find it? why cant i just be happy with how i am? how things are now? and know that it will only improve in the future. im worried austin will leave me, and wont be able to understand or accept my moods they way they are. I wasnt ready when i got together with him to be with anyone. and i knew it. but im suffering now, because the emotions are difficult to handle. and he doesnt understand how i feel when i feel those ways. sometimes i just hurt. and its hard for me to work things through sometimes. especially when i wasnt ready to deal with the emotions that a relationship has. i dunno. just how im feeling.but thank the gods for dogs. i mean, they are just such good friends to me. and great to cuddle with. i dont know what i would do without my animals. I need to be more spiritual. i need a schedule. and to work out.
oh how i wish things were simpler, and all there was to worry or think about was the land and skills you had.
our new place we moved to, isnt the greatest as we had thought, seems we have a knack for finding wierd neighbors who happen to be the landlords, who are loud and inconsiderate, so as much as i would like to stay here for a while, be here and not worry, im not sure how long things will work. but i am hopeful that things will even out and we can all be ok. i hope i can get off my ass and get to college... im so tired of my job. why cant i just be happy? it scares me... will nothing ever be good enough for me? will i be one of those people who will forever be searching for something better, but never to find it? why cant i just be happy with how i am? how things are now? and know that it will only improve in the future. im worried austin will leave me, and wont be able to understand or accept my moods they way they are. I wasnt ready when i got together with him to be with anyone. and i knew it. but im suffering now, because the emotions are difficult to handle. and he doesnt understand how i feel when i feel those ways. sometimes i just hurt. and its hard for me to work things through sometimes. especially when i wasnt ready to deal with the emotions that a relationship has. i dunno. just how im feeling.but thank the gods for dogs. i mean, they are just such good friends to me. and great to cuddle with. i dont know what i would do without my animals. I need to be more spiritual. i need a schedule. and to work out.
oh how i wish things were simpler, and all there was to worry or think about was the land and skills you had.
Replies
Animals are such a blessing. I lost my 14.5 year old dog in January and I am really grateful for Molly, the dog that belongs to my roommate. She has become my buddy and I love to take her on long walks around some wooded trails. I think it is seeing their joy in little things (like a walk) that makes them so wonderful.
I just celebrated my 1 year mark of break up and no contact. I am JUST starting to feel like myself.
During your 1 year mark, you were handling a pregnancy, a new baby and a new relationship.
It is a lot to take on.
If you are living in less then peaceful circumstances and have a stressful, and demanding job, then you are not an ingrate for not being happy with what you have. I also went to college in my late 20\'s and it is things like wanting to do better in life that drives you to make better choices and want more for yourself.
I am not trying to be an enabler, but perhaps now is not the perfect time for college. Perhaps there is just TOO much going on in learning how to be a mother, moving, etc. I don\'t know.
The last time I saw my mother she suggested anti-depressents for me. I am not a fan of meds but compromised by taking SAM-E, which is a natural amino acid that is proven to work for depression. Perhaps that would be a good thing for you to try as well? It has made a big difference in my mood.
sam e? ill try that. i dont like the drug market either, its downright scary... i mean, all those drugs out there, barely tested, and doctors are so quick to describe.
and what goes on with me, is more directly related to my period. and birthcontrol does not help, but what can i do? i dont want to be an experiment.
i just dont want to wait anymore for college... and its hard to see how it will work, because after pre req\'s are done, i have to commute an hour to go. so how will i work, take care of baby, and commute to college full time? ill have to find something.
and as far as the one year mark, GREAT FOR YOU!
i knew it would take alot longer than a year this time. i planned to go to college for 4 years, and date NO ONE. just go to college and be a mommy. i didnt want ANYONE until i was stable. so financially stable, that no one could do anything to rock my world the way HE did. where a break up could be a break up, and they could get THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE. and i could morn for a bit then go on with my life. i wanted to be in a position where no one could hurt me like that again. and here i am. i honestly think as well, that if i hadnt gotten with austin, that i would be more closer, if not in the process of fufilling my goals. because it would have been out of necesity, cause i would have NO one else to lean on. now that i do, its easy to procrastinate and take your mind off the big picture, and to get involved with your emotions again. where if i was alone, i could just turn them off. who knows
You know I finished college because of the one really good relationsihp that I had. He was SO supportive and he was BRILLANT, simply brillant. He had been moved up grades in school twice, had read the entire encylpedia from beginning to end in FIRST grade, etc. And he believed in me so much.
He would constantly tell me how smart as I was (when I did not feel very smart) he believe in me until I learned to believe in myself.
So maybe Austin being around will be a great support for you. I don\'t know. I get the feeling that there is something off in that relationship, but you might as well lean on him while he is there. Let me know how the SAM-E works for you. I felt different after about 2 weeks.
I was very financially stable when I threw xn out on his ass and it did not help the devastation at all. Well maybe it would have been WORSE if I was not stable, but dealing with a pathological means getting run over by a truck, not matter what the state of your finances. And the worst stories I have heard are the ones where they bruise your heart AND steal your money. So it is good that you had the wake up call BEFORE you became rich and powerful ;)
yah, something is off with me and austin, and ive never been able to put a finger on what it is. it really bothers me. but how do i know what? hes the most stable person i have been with for the most part. is it just me? cause im not used to the craziness, or is it him? we are happy, but there is a connection missing somewhere and im not sure how to find it. maybe its cause i was never really attracted to him to begin with. and the only reason we are together, is because of what happened, and how good a friend and supporter he was during my lonely pregnancy. if i had never been pregnant or in that situation, i wouldnt have ever touched him most likely, we would have been friends, but thats it.
I love him, but he is a bit lazy. OK, alot lazy. and im worried too, that if i get on the ball, and loose my extra weight, and get on with college and be sucessful, that i will be angry with him because he is lazy. because when it comes down to it, if i accomplish what i want to accomplish, then i will be the money income. i will pay for retirement, i will pay for vacations, buying a house, everything. he doesnt think of those things in a long term. he is just so laid back and easy going, he thinks things will just happen, or come about. i dunno. im just out of energy when it comes to relationships.