wow. i just wrote a whole entry and it deleted. frustrating. basically im trying to figure out why im not happy. i should be happy, this is the most stable my life has been in 2-3 years. asshole is gone till december, i dont have to deal with him.  child support is decided upon, court is done for now. i have a small place, rent is cheap, hell of a deal. my dog is happy with a big yard and other dogs to  play with. my baby is doing good.  but instead i cant stop thinking of how i want things to be, how idont see any financial improvement. and i just think negative things about austin, even with how good he is to me, i love him, but honestly, and he knows this, im not very physi cally attracted to him cause of hte wieght. so intimate things are hard. i dont know why all this bad shit keeps in my head. ill be driving down the road, and if i let my mind wander, it ends up in a car crash where baby dies, or i see her dying from sids, or any number of atrocities. i think its still post pardum playing a hand, but most people say that its over by now and its all in my head. austin doesnt believe in depression, he thinks that you can just change your way of thinking. like its simple like that. i just feel awful. and i want to loose weight. i feel huge. and i feel unhealthy.im not horribly big, but a size 13-14 is enough for me, with rolls and im to heavy to ride my horse if i ever get to again. i weighed less when i was 6 months pregnant.  the myth that breastfeeding makes you lose weight is just that, a myth. i havent lost shit. i dont know what to do to help curb this way of thinking. im starting to consider taking happy pills again or something. but then i feel stupid cause what is anti depressants but using a drug for a way out? wouldnt it be the same as smoking pot except smoking marijuana would be cheaper? is this just something i will have to deal with my whole life? I WANT TO BE HAPPY. thats all i want.  but i cant keep like this forever. especially for my daughter. she doesnt deserve a depressed mom. i want to feel like myself again. i lost that person again that i had found when i was pregnant and alone. i dont like me right now. not at all.