Thoughts

Its getting close. lots of things running through my head really. my baby will be here soon. i lost alot of work cause of snow days, and i havent been working my whole shifts, i just get so tired. i really need to buckle down and just work, even if it hurts, so that i can be comfortable when she comes, and relax. even though relax seems to be a hard word to fathom right now. the baby wiggling doesnt bother me, but its been a long time since i  actually slept. im always half awake it seems. and this house is a little hectic. i think its mostly because i really want a place of my own. i love my best friend and all, but its just hard, cause i dont feel self sufficient. I like it when the baby wiggles. she doesnt kick alot though, she kinda just rolls around, i would much rather her kick. it gets uncomfortable with the rolling. though she seems to wiggle her fingers and toes on my left hip bone, which tickles. im worried i wont get everything done that i want to have done by the time she gets here. Matt is still talking to me, and seems to be trying to figure things out. he still doesnt get it yet though. he asked me the other day, if we could agree on an amount different than that of what the state will take from him, so that HE can take care of HIS stuff. im not really having it. i mean, why should i care if he cant get ahead on his stuff? why should i give him that? did he care when i had no where to go? when i cried myself to sleep everynight? when my family even kicked me out? NO. so why should i give him anything now. im tired of bieng the nice person. im tired of comprimise. i tried, and im all tried out. I told him we can sit down and talk with a lawyer together, and draw up a plan, but thats it. she goes on my taxes, she is MY dependant. i will have full and final say in parental decisions. he can have visitation, but it will be a long time before he can take her for time alone. he doesnt even have furniture in his place, and drive a soft top sports car, not exactly safe for a baby, and he knows nothing of babies.  im going to talk with him tomarow for a couple of hours i guess. it will be the first discussion we have truly had other than short intervals. hopefully he will understand and it will not end in a fight.  im exited and scared about the baby. but i cant wait to hold her. babies are cute. seems like its going to be a full delivery room, my step dad wants to be there, my sister, my friend, who knows really. lol. in a way i hope she comes a little early, at least right before he goes out to sea, so that we can do paternity for the legal part and he can see her when she comes out. otherwise he wont meet her until she is 3 months old. well, i have a 11 hour shift today, im going to try to stay for the full shift. i have to give most of my next paycheck to my friend, that way rent is caught up, and pay for the rest of my dog, and get my dog her shots. the little silly puppy. she makes me happy. im so glad i got her. she was a marker for me, she really was. i just needed something to say that i would be ok. and somehow it was her as funny as that sounds. she is very smart, already knows how to sit and lay down and stay. well i love you all and you are all in my thoughts.