sorry i havent written much to all of my friends lately, just been hard my computer keeps freezing when i get online, and i feel guilty other times.
my not gambling is not going so well. just everyone i know gambles, everyone!!! i need a new job so i can get away!~!! i applied for new jobs, but the problem is, the only thing around that would pay the bills i cant get because of my driving record. so im stuck!! ive been a little, ok alot depressed lately. i need a new job away from all this. ive been looking, i just dont qualify for much, its easy to be a dealer, but i just hate it now. and its not fun like it used to be, now they can only bet a dollar for us anymore so the money isnt what it used to be ither. i keep telling myself to just use it for a tool for now. you know? go to school during the mean time, something! but the catch 22 is i cant afford it right now!!! and its hard to not gamble, especially with so many bills, i still have the extended payday loans out, due on the 24th, which i will have to extend again, i have 0 in my account, and am writing a check for 560, hoping i can make enough to put in the bank before the check goes through, this is worthless.
i got to get out of this job. im going to move in with my bf soon, he will pay for most the rent with his bah, so maybe then i can afford to have a job where i make less, just to get away from all this. i feel horrible, today im going to drive one of my old customers to a casino he wants to go to, he usually gives me gas and about 500 or so, my plan??? pocket the money!!!! but he wants me to gamble with him, ugh. and i cant tell him no cause i need the gas in my car and the money to pay for that check, am i a horrible person or what>>??? yup, i have to get out of this job, i just have to. its the most negative thing!!!
i can make 400 dollars in a night in tips, and still be bitching at the end of the night!!
gamblers bitch too much!!!! and this job makes me into someone im not really, i dont complain like that!!! but i find myself doing it more and more, every break, every end of shift, before work, my god its toxic. if i cant break this, im going to move to a state with NO gambling, ha ha, nice dream hugh? hell, maybe i might, who knows.
i feel a little crazy right now. this is all driving me nuts.
i saw a counselor, she thinks my gambling is due to something else, like im stuck on my past and cant forgive myself for my failures and it is a way to take up the void of time and hurt myself. i tryied the hyptnotism, we shall see if that works.
i got 2 sessions left i think, i hope that works. well, ttfn.
one day at a time???? :( right now im doing half of days.
my not gambling is not going so well. just everyone i know gambles, everyone!!! i need a new job so i can get away!~!! i applied for new jobs, but the problem is, the only thing around that would pay the bills i cant get because of my driving record. so im stuck!! ive been a little, ok alot depressed lately. i need a new job away from all this. ive been looking, i just dont qualify for much, its easy to be a dealer, but i just hate it now. and its not fun like it used to be, now they can only bet a dollar for us anymore so the money isnt what it used to be ither. i keep telling myself to just use it for a tool for now. you know? go to school during the mean time, something! but the catch 22 is i cant afford it right now!!! and its hard to not gamble, especially with so many bills, i still have the extended payday loans out, due on the 24th, which i will have to extend again, i have 0 in my account, and am writing a check for 560, hoping i can make enough to put in the bank before the check goes through, this is worthless.
i got to get out of this job. im going to move in with my bf soon, he will pay for most the rent with his bah, so maybe then i can afford to have a job where i make less, just to get away from all this. i feel horrible, today im going to drive one of my old customers to a casino he wants to go to, he usually gives me gas and about 500 or so, my plan??? pocket the money!!!! but he wants me to gamble with him, ugh. and i cant tell him no cause i need the gas in my car and the money to pay for that check, am i a horrible person or what>>??? yup, i have to get out of this job, i just have to. its the most negative thing!!!
i can make 400 dollars in a night in tips, and still be bitching at the end of the night!!
gamblers bitch too much!!!! and this job makes me into someone im not really, i dont complain like that!!! but i find myself doing it more and more, every break, every end of shift, before work, my god its toxic. if i cant break this, im going to move to a state with NO gambling, ha ha, nice dream hugh? hell, maybe i might, who knows.
i feel a little crazy right now. this is all driving me nuts.
i saw a counselor, she thinks my gambling is due to something else, like im stuck on my past and cant forgive myself for my failures and it is a way to take up the void of time and hurt myself. i tryied the hyptnotism, we shall see if that works.
i got 2 sessions left i think, i hope that works. well, ttfn.
one day at a time???? :( right now im doing half of days.
Replies
Hey, I am sorry you are going through a tough time. But while I was reading your journal I saw alot of positive steps that you are taking. 1. You have realised you need a new job and are looking. 2. You are moving in with your bf - save rent. 3. You are taking steps to stop - counselling. That is awesome, keep focussing on these positive things. I could not work at a casino, I would never stop gambling. Way too much temptation. I know it is hard but try and stay away from friends that gamble, you must make it hard for yourself. Sounds like you can earn a fair bit at the casino, $400 a night. It would be hard to match that money. But look at your bank balance at moment it is not reflecting what you earn. Better off having lower paying job, then you will be surprised at how much more money you have in your bank when the temptation is gone. Don\'t forget here to chat anytime, do you have msn? Maybe we could chat some time on there.
Stay strong, hugs, Kiran.
Hi, hon. Sorry you are struggling so much. Just a couple of thoughts I had as I read this - for what its worth - I do think that our addiction/compulsiveness does have a root in something from our past. I crossed the line into compulsive gambling when I found that the gambling could keep my mind off of other hurts such as loneliness and my divorce. BUT, the most important thing right now for you is to not gamble today. When you stop gambling, you can use some of that extra time you will have to get in touch with your feelings. Kiran, makes a good point about the bank balance. Gambler\'s anonymous meetings were the single most helpful to me in my recovery. I wish you serenity. Hugs, Deb