well, i dont really know what to write, ive started journals before and it didnt help much, but its all worth another try right? today is not so bad i havent left the house. when i joined this website it was suposed to be day one. i guess today is now, have to keep starting over right? i did a horrible thing yesterday. my BF just trying to help me, who really loves me and i feel like i just crapped on him, ugh. he gave me money for rent, he snuck in my room when i was at work and left it on my pillow, and i spent it on you know what, plus whatever else i had. i'm getting a payday loan to cover it up, i havent told him, as far as he knows i paid rent with it. i cant keep doing this, ugh!!!! its killing me.
i just dont know whats wrong with me. i just couldnt tell him, i know he would do his best to be understanding, but i just couldnt. and i was so happy when he did that, cause i was real hard pressed, he really had saved me, and what do i do?? its like im watching myself when im doing things, saying no!! dont do that! what the hell are you doing???? but i cant hear myself. ugh its just a bad day. very bad. but at least the payday loan will cover it. hopefully i wont have to do it again. vow # 1 million to stop gambling. cause if i dont play, i will be fine by my next paycheck, be able to pay the loan, and rent, and still have money left over, if i just dont gamble. damn, i suck.
i just dont know whats wrong with me. i just couldnt tell him, i know he would do his best to be understanding, but i just couldnt. and i was so happy when he did that, cause i was real hard pressed, he really had saved me, and what do i do?? its like im watching myself when im doing things, saying no!! dont do that! what the hell are you doing???? but i cant hear myself. ugh its just a bad day. very bad. but at least the payday loan will cover it. hopefully i wont have to do it again. vow # 1 million to stop gambling. cause if i dont play, i will be fine by my next paycheck, be able to pay the loan, and rent, and still have money left over, if i just dont gamble. damn, i suck.
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Hang in there. You can do it. You deserve to feel good. I have 13 days GF & it has been a struggle. It does get better. Keep going.
Hi drac,i too had to start over after joining this site, today is day 9 for me i dont want to start over counting the days, never ever i just want to see big numbers like 365 or something like that lol. i guess i got a ways to go befor i say day 365 GF, but i have to. i was kind of iffy about the journal thing too, but everyone on here i talked to said yea do it, its a good thing so i have been doing it, its kind of cool. can understand how terrible you feel about spending the rent money from your bf, last time i gambled it was with money that should have never gone to a casino, the thing that keeps me away now, is remembering that horrible feeling walking out the casino door that night. it was so bad i was literally shaking, my whole body sort of like trembling because i knew i did some thing i should not have done. Now its four days before Christmas and i dont have any gifts bought because i have no money. i\'m not sure but it didnt sound like you are in debt because of gambling, i, and many others on this site are. believe me, thats the next step if you dont stop. you dont want that to happen to you, it keeps me up at night, especially this past week or so. good luck to you
I feel I could of wrote both of these entries. I have done this more times than I care to admit. I hope I make it thought tomorrow. I will have money to buy christmas presents it\'s payday. It\'s going to take every bit of my being to not go to that supid casino.
kenny, yes, i am in debt, im filing bankruptcy. i know how you feel about that.