rambling

what do i do please somebody tell me what to dothere is nothing i can do anymoreif i leave i hurt everyoneif i keep lying i hurt myself the eventually everyone elseim loosing tash and megand most probably all the people i used to see everydaynow what do i do dan and karen are happy together i cant burden them i dont want to burden themi will eventually loose beththen what??i cant keep waking up to the same fat ugly face every morningeverything i try and do failsi wanted to look nice at the prom and in the photos guess what its still the ugly fat girl but just in a stupid dresssi hate waking up every morning and not knowing what to doi have nothing to dowhat do i doi have no familyi have no friends i have no lifeim to scared to have a lifeto scared to live life like averyone elseso i get left behind the one hows too "lazy" to get a lifeim not lazy im terifiedi cant do basic thingsi cant look after myself i want to leave everyone and everything i cant i know i cant and so does everyone elsei cant diei cant live either way i will hurt everyonei should be isolatedi want to be its saferno people no questionsno expectationsjust nothing just me and a blank canvasbut then what do i do i dont want to live life because i canti cant provide for myself i cant even do school without fucking it upi want everything to rewind just a few yearsi dont want to be a kid but i definatly dont want to be olderim not scared of age im scared of lossi lost my nanim loosing tash and megim pushing my family away because i cant protect them anymorei cant tell them the truth i dont know what the truth is i want to know but it wont make any difference i'l still faili cant be completely alonei cant keep protecting my family so they have to gotash has to gomegan is going anywaykaren has dan and i can do that to her not againmrs e has no idea what im feelingi cant tell heri need to protect her icant drag her in againim just a job to herwhat she gets paid for like bethneither of them actually care im not there family or friendjust a jobno connection at allthats the point no connectionstrangersi cant rely on them i cant rely on anyonenot familynot friendsnot myselfnot strangerswhat do i do tell me what to do give me an answeri need an answeri cant see an answernot a clear onenot even and unclear onei cant keep guessing anymorethere is no road ahead just deadendsno money no homeno escapeno chancei've thought of everything i can dobut i cant rely on myelf suddenly finding away because i always failim the person nobody loves nobody even notices im alivepeople care but i wish they wouldntthen they get hurti cant hurt people againi want to be better feel betterhave a futurebut do i really?what have a "normal" day with a normal jobin a normal housewith a normal familyand do what? have good days and bad days like everyone else??thats not a futurethats just lifethere is no point to lifeexcept to live itjust prove to yourself that you can survive everydayi want to much out of lifei just want to be happy but happiness doesnt exsistsnot according to miss e nobody is happy in lifethats just fairytaleslike falling down a rabbithole and finding out how good my life is?what the point in living a life like mine where i have oppotunities better than most other peoplebut im too afraid to take them theres no through roadi get job then what i wake up terrified because i have workspend my days off counting down the hours till iwork againthats not a lifewhat if it is?well i'd rather not live iti dont want to live a life like thatbut in a way i already do i wake up stare at myself in the mirror wondering why i look like i dolike my mum i supposeaccording to everyone elsei look like herthats not a complimentbut im not rude enough to say its an insultshe cant change and i wouldnt want her totheres is no point in changeit doesnt make things better it just gives people other oppotunities to complainlike me i complain a lotabout nothingbecause im selfish and ungratfuland many other words i cant be bothered to writebecause im lazyno scared to list because i dont want to realise how horrible i am