Really bad night last night. Eyes still puffy and I feel like crap. Think hubby and I hit the wall, hopefully we broke through but it was very ugly. It all started, be surprise to some, with more talk of the Florida vacation with the family! I finally out and out told him all the reasons that this is not a good idea. He claimed he know nothing about my being slightly high risk even if I was pg and that I was concentrating too much on the negative possibilities. The launched into fine we wouldn’t go, followed by a chorus of you need to not be so stressed and you’re not yourself. Well here I been so proud of myself for handling the holiday and my dad’s surgery so well, thinking I’ve been more myself in the last month then in months and he tells me I’m crazy, delusional! Well as you can imagine I completely lost it! I was so angry, felt completely torn apart, completely disconnected form him and fighting the desire to just shut him out completely. Every word he said made it worse, I kept trying to get away form him and he would let me go. He finally broke into how frustrated he was and how he just wished I felt better. Finally he convinced me to tell him what I was thinking; I had spoken or looked at him. I simple told him now lonely I felt now, how disconnected for him I was that I just wanted to shut down, and that I was feeling like a failure. That I thought that I had found some perspective and acceptance to the things that were out of our control right now, and that I had a pretty good gasp of what I did have control of..how I was handling things. Now he’s telling me I haven’t been. He was beside himself, that that was not what he meant, that he’s proud of me for how well I am handling things, that he thinks about this everyday and knows that with every day that passes it gets a little worse for me, but assured me that aside form him and my Mom, to the outside world everything is normal. But he knows me, he sees and feels the tension in my shoulders at night, that I jump to panic about things that I might not normally and he wishes I could relax. He wishes I would try and not be so strong because that seems to lead to my being quietly beyond stressed. Even though we came to an understanding, I guess I just needed to get it out. I hate what happened last night. It was the most awful I think I’ve felt during this entire process for far. And truth be told I think it’ll take me a couple of days to get over it, despite the fact he certainly didn’t mean to hurt me he did. The peace that I thought I had is gone and now I have to pick up the pieces and put myself together again. It’s just hard to know that it was my husband that broke me apart this time.