Feeling better today, last night was definitely a rough one. Freudian too, I get to the hospital, which my RE is located and where all of my friends have their babies and can not remember the floor number, not only that but get this, I forget the word MATERNITY, so I can't even ask! Forget it, completely, can not come up with the word, I eventually went and asked sheepishly for the floor with the babies - YEAH! In hindsight freaking hilarious but then clearly showed how unsure I was about my ability to do this. And almost didn't, had to compose myself, this wave of emotion came over me when I found her hallway. So ridiculous. Perspective totally gone, that "hole" inside swallowing me. I shovel it down and went to be with my friend and her new baby. I feel like I jipped her, I've bounced in to those rooms for other friends, but now it's just different. The irrational fear I will not find myself there one day and the frustration that it's not as easy for me, making me a person I don't recognize sometimes. Got home cried my eyes out, husband came home. He's great, I'm so very lucky to have married this man, to be sharing my life with him. But maybe it's as simple as him being a man, he admits he doesn't feel the same way about this process, he doesn't understand. Thinking about it over the last "day", I wonder if it is as simple as genetics. Woman vs. Man, they way we think, how we think. Speaking generically of course. Men are logic and action, my husband see us try to have a family, that we have docs that we trust and that we will have a child, that we've only really had one shot, one IVF cycle, so what's the big deal. Woman are emotion and nurture, the day we decided we're ready, I emotionally held that child in my arms, that spot in me deep down open up, when we realized it was going to be a struggle that spot turned into a hole, that with even month that passes, ever set back, every other friend who it's easier for, that hole gets bigger and deeper. This is what he doesn't get. I've heard it said and witnessed it in friends, for women the child is real way before their in their arms, men well they need that child in their arms before its real. Our child is real to me. And yet I'm being kept from him/her. Normally, I see the other side, his side of things. I am a rational person. Just sometimes that hope/logic doesn't burn as brightly, and the hole threatens to swallow me. And apparently it takes a good irrational cry to balance things out again.  So today I’m better balanced, puffy eyed and little drained but better. I’m looking forward to this weekend, glad to have tomorrow off work to sleep in. Excited about the party, should be a lot of fun and lucky I’m not having a period like last month so I’m not terribly bloated and will not look like a Vienna sausage in my dress! And apparently Hubby thinks he might have tickets to Sunday’s Pats/Steelers game so that should be interesting! Then Monday I’ll have my HSG and will find out what the next step is.